Kingdom Hearts 2 Retrospective Directory

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  1. Opening Sequence: Remember when your video games had a lot of visual metaphors and way too many stairs?  Kingdom Hearts remembers.
  2. Prologue – Day 1: I hope the light novel has an extensive backstory for that tutorial cat.
  3. Prologue – Day 2: “The cloaked guy also stole your wallets!  And from the jewellery store!  Incidentally, no one look in my wall safe.”
  4. Prologue – Day 3: “Did that girl go… to the sea-salt ice cream stand?  Boy, I’d better stay there all day just in case she comes back!”
  5. Prologue – Day 4: “As you already know, both teams take turns throwing the ball and hitting i–hey, Babe Ruth, pay attention!”
  6. Prologue – Day 5a: “I’m here to explain the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town, all five of them.  Six.  Nine!  Three?”
  7. Prologue – Day 5b: And the seventh Wonder of Twilight Town is rich, creamy sea-salt ice cream!  Mm-mm!  Buy some today!
  8. Prologue – Day 6: What’s our bosses’ name?  Where did Larxene hide the good knives?  What was the capital of Zimbabwe when the country was still known as Rhodesia?
  9. Old Mansion to Central Station: I don’t care how long this entry is!  We’re getting off this planet if it’s the last thing I do!

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  1. Mysterious Tower – Ascent: More hilarious murders, after this break!
  2. Mysterious tower – Lecture: Kill who I tell you to kill, question what I tell you to question, and enjoy the weapons I have to give you.  We’re the heroes.

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  1. Marketplace to Merlin’s House: It’s 9pm.  Do you know what planet your nephews are on?
  2. Bailey and Wrap-Up: Albatross!  Burnt Sienna!  Cadenza!

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  1. Gummi Segments to Camp: I’ll make duckman out of you.
  2. Missions to Cave Ambush: Look how inspiring I am picking up these balls!
  3. Mountaintop Assault to Wrap-Up: Baked in a pie.

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  1. Parlor to Dungeon: My suspicions became aroused when the Beast left the rose over the knife pit left of the lava moat…
  2. Undercroft to Beast’s Room: And that’s how Cogsworth was eaten by a gargoyle.  The End.
  3. Beast’s Room to Ballroom: “So you think,” mused Ganondorf, as Zelda and Link reunited the Triforce, wished for peace and tranquility, and united the kingdom in light.

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  1. 100 Acre Wood Intro Event: “Sora, no! Rosebud is–” “Goofy, stop reading the script!”

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  1. Underworld Entrance to Cerberus Battle: Jerkbot commentary.
  2. Phil’s Training to Atrium: Aqua disco.
  3. The Lock to Wrap-Up: GET UP GET UP AND GET DOWN ON THE HYDRA’S BACK.

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  1. Disney Castle: “Beast’s Castle? Cinderella’s Castle?  White Castle?  Oh dash it all, now you’ve gone and got me hungry.”

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  1. Cornerstone Hill to the Five Curtains: Had some tech problems posting this one.  Ended up calling the post some rude names I made up for later parts of the Retrospective.
  2. Boss Battle to Cerberus Cup: Bring on the side quests!
  3. Piglet’s House: Well, goodbye Piglet!  Goodbye!

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  1. Swim this Way: How about we not swim this way, and say that we did?

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  1. Fort to Isla de Meurta: VHS copy of the film, looping interminably.
  2. Interceptor to Treasure Heap: Stab Johnny Depp: The Game!

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  1. Peddler’s Shop to Bazaar: Peddler’s Shop to Bazaar to Palace Gates to Bazaar to Peddler’s Shop to Bazaar to…
  2. City Gates to Palace Gates: I work with the road crew.  This is my keybl–erm, stop sign.
  3. Destiny Islands: Pluto must be very confused.

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  1. Graveyard to Christmas Town: And I’m sure we’ll neeeeever see that contraption again.
  2. Santa’s Workshop to Curly Hill: Road to nowhere.
  3. Santa’s Workshop (again) to “Part of Your World”: Walking on deathtraps with those, what do you call them?  Feet.

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  1. Gorge to Pride Rock: I just! Can’t! Wait! To throw off my responsibilities and become somebody else’s kiiiiiiiiing!
  2. Wildebeest Valley to Savannah: *eyebrow waggle*
  3. Pride Rock to Rabbit’s House: 4th Dimensional Storage, for all your hyper-junk!

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  1. Twilight Town, Revisited pt 1: I know how to hurt a heart, an arm, and several kinds of gall bladder.
  2. Twilight Town, Revisited pt 2: Next, wax my car ten times.  After that, my bathroom.
  3. Hollow Bastion, Revisited pt 1: And in KH3, we revisit the cast of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest as centaurs!

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  1. Ansem’s Study to Pit Cell: Round and round it goes, where it stops, I apparently know!
  2. Ansem’s Study: Ignorance: the true voice acting challenge.
  3. Game Grid to I/O Tower: Apply our new makeup kit for that fresh, neon glow.
  4. Ansem’s Study, revisited: And if you think that real name was bad, just wait until you learn his real-real name.

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  1. Ansem’s Study to Castle Gate: Everybody fights everybody.
  2. Castle Gate to The Great Maw: Two different kinds of unbelievable.
  3. Villain’s Vale: Halfway there!
  4. Wrap-Up, Etc: Atlantean Jingoism.

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  1. Land of the Dragons, Revisited: Enemy re-run.
  2. Beast’s Castle, Revisited: A rose by another name would still suffer from editing problems.
  3. Port Royal, Revisited: Missing monkey.
  4. “Ursula’s Revenge”: I still can’t believe they titled it that.
  5. Olympus Coliseum, Revisited: Is that a six-inch man in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
  6. Agrabah, Revisited: Getting to know your party members through osmosis!
  7. Halloween Town, Revisited: Getting to know your party members through fumbling in dark rooms!
  8. Pride Lands, Revisited, Atlantica Finale: Next, I’ll apply Ventriloquism Therapy for your marriage.
  9. Hollow Bastion / Space Paranoids, Revisited: Why do they always choose death as a means of electrical repair?
  10. Twilight Town, Re-Revisited: Liver-pepper ice cream, a big hit with the masses.

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  1. Dark City: They say Sora disappeared, but I like to think he just stood there staring into space for the next fifteen minutes.
  2. Nothing’s Call to the Hall of Empty Melodies: Offscreen Keyblade Depot.
  3. Naught’s Skyway to the Hall of Empty Melodies (2F): And after I digitize Kingdom Hearts, it will fit on this convenient CD-ROM, the greatest storage medium ever invented!
  4. Proof of Existence to Extended Flashback: Turn left at the lights on go straight on through my brain.
  5. Naught’s Approach to Ruin and Creation’s Passage: Extraneous characters exeunt.
  6. Altar of Naught: “Xemnas, no! Don’t make the game any longer! It’s already too long!”
  7. Grinding, Sidequests and Miscellany: Yeah, “miscellany” seems like a good word for… this.
  8. Sephiroth: “Cloud went off to do something interesting without us.  That’s all you really have to know.”

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  1. Final Boss, Phase 1: Triangle.  Triangle.  Triangle.  Triangle.
  2. Final Boss, Phase 2: Oh no! Gary Busey is launching the missiles!
  3. Final Boss, Phase 3 to Ending: Look, I can’t be honest with you, I can’t top “Lightsaber Zebra.”
  4. Post-Game, Part 1: Try these mushrooms and see some ghosts!  Why no, officer, I don’t–
  5. Post-Game, Part 2: Lingering sediment.

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  1. Appendix A: A look at hints left behind in KH2, telling us about its earliest draft.
  2. Appendix B: A look at the manga and Kingdom Hearts TCG.

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Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days ->

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