Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt 1

IntroductionRaw Feed

Final Fantasy (U) [!]_002 Final Fantasy I (Dawn of Souls – GBA)

  1. Character Creation: How to kick someone and have them fall down forty hours later.
  2. Cornelia: Doing your own thing and confounding everyone. You lose, I lose, everyone loses!
  3. Shrine of Chaos to Astos: In which a single mistake ruins everything for the remainder of the run.
  4. Glitches: In which a number of mistakes found the success of a franchise.
  5. Melmond through Bahamut: Boats carved from the husks of gods.
  6. Mt. Gulg and Water Shrine: Perpetuating the institute of slavery one good deed at a time.
  7. Mirage Tower: Everyone just reads walkthroughs these days anyway.
  8. Shrine of Chaos: “I think someone’s trying to kill us?” “Hit the snooze!”

ff2marathon-2015-05-17-19h46m40s592 Final Fantasy II (Dawn of Souls – GBA)

  1. Intro through Fynn: Sheering black sheep and abandoning what’s-his-name.
  2. Semitt Falls through Snow Cave: Auto-erotic stat grinding.
  3. Kashuan through Lahmia Queen: This is all Firion’s fault.
  4. Palamecia Arena through Mysidia Tower: Your efforts are futile and your existence is meaningless. It’s not a villain’s nihilistic speech, it’s just the plot of Final Fantasy II!
  5. Cyclone through Palamecia: Talking is a free action.
  6. Jade Passage through Raqia: Weren’t we just here?
  7. Arubboth: The Palace of Heaven is like a house of cards: a gust in just the right spot…

ffli-2015-06-10-06h55m26s008 The Final Fantasy Legend (Original Release – GB)

  1. Character Creation: Complicated lies.
  2. First World to Tower: A classic rags to riches story starring a boy, two girls, and Pyros, Titan of Fire.
  3. Second World to Third World: You want me to sail off the edge of the world? Okay!
  4. Fourth World to Ashura: One of these days I need to sit down and actually watch Akira.
  5. The Climb to Paradise: “Well when we get to twenty, tell me… I’m gonna throw up.”

kh1-2015-06-27-20h18m29s325Final Fantasy III (3D Version – iOS)

  1. Altar Cave to Djinn Cave: Psst, hey buddy…. [opens jacket] …want to buy three axes?
  2. Crystal of Wind to Viking’s Cave: Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a pharmacist!
  3. Nepto Temple to Tower of Owen: Monksicle.
  4. Subterranean Cave to Second Airship: Don’t mind me, I’m just an autonomous moving shadow, like you see every day!
  5. Cave of Tides to Goldor’s Manor: The team is back in town!
  6. Saronia to Temple of Time: Left Up Right Left Up Right
  7. Ancient Ruins through Summon Sidequests: Split up and backtrack.
  8. Doga’s Grotta through Endgame: Why are we in danger of something called “Kumkums?”

Screenshot_2Final Fantasy Legend II (Original Release – GB)

  1. Home to Ashura’s Tower: “Dad, why are you painting my forehead?” “Go back to sleep, son, the bullseye’s getting all wobbly.”
  2. Giant Town to Apollo’s World: “Dear, you forgot to set the rhino traps again!”
  3. Guardian’s World to Venus’ World: “Go to your room.”  “Dad, I’m on a cross-reality adventure through time and space!” “Now, son!”
  4. Dragon Race to Edo: Finally, a depiction of dolphins as the eldritch abominations they truly are!
  5. Nasty World to Central Shrine (surface): “Dad, you’re back!”  “Dad!  Noooo!”
  6. Central Shrine: Falling down stairs with friends.

ffa-2015-11-13-09h30m42s290Final Fantasy Adventure (Original Release – GB)

  1. Arena to Axe Shop: “Throw another cat in there, we’ve got like twelve of them.”
  2. Kett’s and Cave of Marsh: “Maybe we should tell the other guests that we killed the host and staff?” “Nah.”
  3. Jidoor to Airship: Fun fact: “Why do I keep standing on ledges?” (a quote from Kyle) was originally the subtitle to the entire journal on my original blog.  It’s very indicative of FFA as a whole.
  4. Menos to Davias’ Mansion: Drugs and desert figure skating, which come to think of it, might be the result of drugs.
  5. Mt. Rocks (ugh) to Ish: I’m running out of room to put these boss screenshots!
  6. Overworld to Cave of Ruins: Step right up, step right up!  Smash the one correct crystal in thousands and win a Kewpie doll!
  7. Dime Tower to Shrine of Mana: “Sumo, you’re all that’s left to protect my daughter.”  “Welp, time to immediately leave!”

ffiv-2015-07-25-15h30m42s671Final Fantasy IV (Complete Collection – PSP)

  1. Introduction through Mist: Overcast with a chance of firestorm.
  2. Kaipo to Damcyan: And this is a small intestine. It used to belong to a father of four! Isn’t that great?
  3. Antlion Den to the Siege of Fabul: Dear King Fabul, please put all your Monks in the same spot. I want to throw them a party.  Love, Golbez.
  4. Mysidia to Baron: I’ve gathered you all here to announce the identity of… the murderer!
  5. Troia to the Tower of Zot: And for my next trick, I shall make the dungeon disappear!
  6. Agart to the Tower of Babel: I cast FIST at the explosion!
  7. Cave of Eblan to the Lunar Whale: I cast ice at the ice cube!  Lightning at the thunderstorm!
  8. Lair of the Father to, uh… the Lair of the Father: That’s nothing, my mother used to wake up with an angry cat and a steak knife.
  9. Red Moon to the Giant of Babil: Cid from FFII and Aria Benett from FFIII sit around wondering why everyone forgot about them.
  10. Lunar Subterrane: We who are about to die, repeatedly, until we get different results, salute you.

ffivinter-2015-09-02-19h28m32s777Final Fantasy IV: Interlude (Complete Collection – PSP)

  1. Introduction to Fabul: “Isn’t a baby smiling at Cecil a sign of the apocalypse?”
  2. Dwarven Castle to Tower of Babil: “Uh oh. I think they broke him. […] They did! They broke his little mind!”

ffivtay-2015-09-09-01h47m10s559Final Fantasy IV: The After Years (Complete Collection – PSP)

  1. Ceodore’s Tale – Adamant Isle Grotto: “Also, I may have sold all your good equipment to buy some hair dye. Have a safe trip!”
  2. Ceodore’s Tale – Baron to Mysidia: No, you go on without me.  Trust me, this self-sacrifice is very important, it’s a technique I learned from my good friend Yang!
  3. Ceodore’s Tale – Baron to Mist: “Dragoon.  Ex-Baron.  This will be a complicated mystery because there are so many dragoons in Baron.”
  4. Rydia’s Tale: *snaps* The Uncanny Valley!  That’s what this game needs!
  5. Yang’s Tale: Father/daughter desert island trustbuilding exercises.
  6. Palom’s Tale: Yes I carry a small number of monsters in my pocket, I’m going to be a Pokemon master, what of it?
  7. Edge’s Tale: You have to admire Edge’s gumption in making sure one of his earliest acts as king was to recruit his own private army.
  8. Porom’s Tale (nominally): How dare the narrative sideline someone wearing such an awesome cape?
  9. Edgar’s Tale: Four royal families in this conflict and only two take along their bodyguards.  And only one their accountant!
  10. Kain’s Tale and The Lunarian’s Tale: I feel like I’m the guy in the back going “He’s a chicken, I tell you!  A giant chicken!
  11. The Crystals – Part 1: And rounding out our party: an invisible ghost who eats up our supplies!
  12. The Crystals – Part 2: Cecil must have left these two games with a terrifying fear of mirrors.
  13. The Crystals – Part 3: Ah yes, my archnemesis: phosphorescent mucous.  We meet again.

ffliii-2016-02-08-01h57m57s380

Final Fantasy Legend III (Original Release – GB)

  1. Shrine to North Tower: Roving band of cannibal cyborgs and their stealth jet..
  2. Elan to Chaos’ Castle: We have to bring her to her senses!  With bladed weaponry!
  3. Future to Floatland: Doing the five unrelated shops tango.
  4. Fenrir’s Maze to Jorgandr Desert: Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a catnip joke that hasn’t already been made?
  5. Talonsburg to Dwelg Village: Talon2, from the makers of “4 Extra Crystals for FFIV” and “I’ve Written Myself into a Corner by Killing Someone with Job Levels but at Least I Have This Gold Thingy.”
  6. West Towers to Eastern Ruins: Ewww, there’s some guy all over the walls.
  7. Mt. Goht to Xagor’s Castle: Wherein we fail to kill a guy who is standing still taking the hits.

ffmq-2016-03-02-13h55m48s533

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest (Original Release – Wii Virtual Console)

  1. Mountain of Fate to Foresta: Unleash the druid!
  2. Lost Forest to Skull Dungeon: Our great shame.
  3. Focus Tower to Wintry Cave: Eight glasses a day.
  4. Falls Basin to Focus Tower: At last, my garbage has found its owner!
  5. Fireburg to Mine: Ah, another day at the lava mines, digging up the freshest of lava.
  6. Volcano to King Tree: Good day for giant things.
  7. Windia to, uh… Windia: Where did the old water even go?
  8. Mac’s Ship to Doom Castle: Optional-mandatory dungeon.
  9. Final Boss: “Hey Mac mind if I borrow your ship forever okay great goodbye!”

ffv-2015-12-10-00h30m34s629

Final Fantasy V (Smartphone Release – iOS)

  1. Intro to Wind Shrine: Things earthquakes can do, so far: free genies, spontaneously generate boulders, destroy floating island machinery, disintegrate towers, open canyons, and attract goblins.
  2. Zok to Torna Canal: Hey, it could be worse!  But we’ll be getting to Legend of the Crystals.
  3. Ship’s Graveyard to Walse Tower: Water, water, everywhere, and every drop out to kill us.
  4. Karnak to the Fire-Powered Ship: It’s bigger on the inside.  And explosive!
  5. Library of the Ancients to Sidequests: Book burning.
  6. Desert of Shifting Sands to Ronka Ruins: You know, I’ve noticed a considerable uptick in the number of corpses I’ve had to manhandle since this Marathon began.
  7. Meteor Quest to Moogle Village: Here Lies Link, Evasion +33%.
  8. Bal to Barrier Tower: Down with Art.
  9. Ghido’s Cave to the Great Forest of Moore: Osmosis through grief.
  10. Exdeath’s Castle: See you around, Gilgy!
  11. Tycoon to Guardian Tree: Hey you two, no fighting, do you think this is, Final Fantasy II?
  12. Sidequests: Lali-ho!  We’re dying off slowly in extreme isolation!  Lali-ho!
  13. The Interdimensional Rift: Dungeon smoothie.

lotc-2016-01-26-22h52m26s215

Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals (Television Release)

  1. Wind Chapter: No, I’m serious, you’re not prepared.
  2. Fire Chapter: Forgive me readers for I have sinned.
  3. Dragon Chapter: Eh, who needs themed episode titles, anyways?
  4. Star Chapter: Zeus wakes up in his hangover crate and saves the day.

Screenshot_1

Final Fantasy VI (Smartphone Release – iOS)

  1. Narshe: Moogles, after completing your battle, please head through the door on the right to be melted down into actual playable characters.
  2. Figaro to Mt. Kolts: Figaro used Dig!  It’s super effective!
  3. Returner’s Hideout to Locke and Terra’s Scenarios: Enter the void, we have Moogles!
  4. Sabin’s Scenario: Your mercenary buddy who’s fun to be with.
  5. Narshe to Kohinglen: All you needed to go northwest was an entire tunnelling city and influence over the monarchy.  Clear as a country highway.
  6. Zozo to Opera House: All we’re missing is an NPC at the front gate saying “This is not Zozo.”
  7. Blackjack to Zozo: “Why do they always choose death?!”
  8. Narshe to Vector: You know, when I came up with this system of labelling links with place names, I was hoping they’d generally be unique place names.
  9. Imperial Ship to Thamassa: Also names that wouldn’t loop! over the same places multiple times!
  10. Floating Continent: It’s that way, through the liver!
  11. Solitary Island to Darril’s Tomb: Oh, the productive grief!
  12. Character Collecting, pt 1: T-Rex in A-Minor.
  13. Character Collecting, pt 2: Climbing up, climbing down, our work is never done…
  14. Character Collecting, pt 3: The Gut Patrol.
  15. Kefka’s Tower: Thanksgiving at Terra’s.

kh2-2016-07-20-22h22m33s689

  1. Final Fantasy Marathon Look-Back, Part 1: Analysis.
  2. Final Fantasy Marathon Look-Back, Part 2: Top 5 and Bottom 5 Marathon Moments!

Next –>

ffvii-2016-12-02-17h36m31s465

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