Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt3

Final Fantasy X (HD Release – Steam)

  1. Zanarkand: Quick, flee to safety! Follow the man with the largest booze!
  2. Baaj Temple to Underwater Ruins: And my favourite dessert! Blue glob!
  3. Besaid: We’ll be-saiying you! Ha-ha! We have fun here.
  4. SS Liki to Kilika: Great, now someone hook the harpoon cable to some water skis!
  5. Kilika Temple to SS Winno: Pray for victory in Triple Triad.
  6. Luca: “Would this help me look friendlier?” [pulls on a bloody hockey mask]
  7. Luca Blitzball Tournament: Ha! Ha! Ha? Ha¿ Ha‽ Ha$?
  8. Mi’ihen Highroad: A lesser known McDonaldland character, the McChickensaur.
  9. Mushroom Rock Road: Blossom, Bubbles, Mojo Jojo, Tom Kenny the narrator… why couldn’t Elizabeth Daily have voiced a fayth or something?
  10. Aftermath to Moonflow: Seymour’s sending dance is “I’m too sexy.”
  11. Guadosalam: Wait, the tree-people live underground?
  12. Thunder Plains to Macalania Woods: Trying to time the lightning bolts as percussion for my next music video.
  13. Lake Macalania to Sub-Lake Macalania: Walking around on the ocean bed, waving hello to CoM-era Sora, Donald and Goofy.
  14. Bikanel Island: Fryd’c uin puccac’ hysa? Frana tet Mynqaha reta dra kuut ghejac? Fryd fyc dra lybedym uv Wespypfa frah dra luihdno fyc cdemm ghufh yc Nrutacey?
  15. Bevelle, Part One: “But Mr. Wright, I can’t have killed the victim because he’s already dead!” “Wow Nick, this case really is up our alley!”
  16. Bevelle, Part Two to Calm Lands: For your next execution, we sentence you to a hundred meter dash to the exit.
  17. Sidequests and Mt. Gagazet, Part 1: “This time, Wakka will throw the petrifying blitzball while your chocobo runs on one foot.”
  18. Mt. Gagazet, Part 2: “Think of it this way: Kimahri now has the longest horn.”
  19. Zanarkand: And now, the Besaid Aurochs will play the pyrefly ghosts of the Zanarkand Abes!
  20. Baaj Temple and Sidequests: “And what about the teaching about billowy sleeves? What did it mean!?
  21. Cactuar Village to Battle with Sin: Ghosts of villains past.
  22. Within Sin: The jellyfish a thousand dooms.

Final Fantasy X: Eternal Calm (HD Release – Steam)

  1. Eternal Calm: 37… 38… 39… bottles of beer on the wall, 39 bottles of beer!

Final Fantasy X-2 (HD Release – Steam)

  1. Prologue: Dance Dance Sequelitis
  2. Chapter 1 – Gagazet Ruins: Comic relief will also wave pathetically at the camera after their gravity-delayed fall.
  3. Chapter 1 – Kilika to Moonflow: A much abbreviated version of “Yakko Sings The Nations of the World.”
  4. Chapter 1 – Guadosalam to Calm Lands: Burying our textbooks in the desert, as per usual.
  5. Chapter 1 – Besaid and Miscellaneous: The Young Pope, except from an organization only half-pretending to be a church. I have never watched The Young Pope but assume it is exactly like this.
  6. Chapter 1 – Zanarkand to Kilika Temple: Okay picture this segment again except Kilika is also a tourist trap.
  7. Chapter 2 – Mushroom Rock Road to Mi’ihen Highroad: I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight…
  8. Chapter 2 – Mushroom Rock Road to Calm Lands: Everyone turns to face the real Fiend, because Fiends are narcs.
  9. Chapter 2 – Gagazet to Chateau Leblanc: Next up on the Windows 3.1 minigame parade: a heavily sexualized version of SkiFree.
  10. Chapter 2 – Bevelle: The tragic return of an old friend: Vincent Valentine! Vincent’s our “friend,” right?
  11. Chapter 3 – Luca to Moonflow: It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-solve multiplication problems!
  12. Chapter 3 – Guadosalam to Bikanel: Choco-extremely-late bar.
  13. Chapter 3 – Bikanel to Zanarkand: Ways I have misread Dressphere, an ongoing list: Datascape, Despacito, Deathsphere, Shakespeare…
  14. Chapter 3 – Besaid to Bevelle: Fight (X) enemies to proceed, straight from the MMOs!

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King (Original Release – WiiWare)

  1. Pallum Dei Caverns: The joys of parenthood! Magically manifesting them with a crystal, sending them off to their deaths five minutes later…
  2. Pallum Dei Caverns to Goblin’s Den: “Have you tried punching them harder? Well I’m out of ideas.”
  3. Dolsam Gulch to Auris Swordpath: Just draw the park with mandrakes, our adventurers will feel at home.
  4. Panclare Brightwood to Corrum Sih Highroad: “Giving Up on Plot Developments” and other tips from the pros at Square Enix.
  5. Musqu Mazewood to Shrine of Awakening: More like Shrine of Five More Minutes Please.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a Darklord (Original Release – WiiWare)

  1. Old Vanbeige Road 1 to Gnarlgri Plain 4: I cast magic missile at the space heater.
  2. Tzormiy Straight 1 to Voleebo Flatland 1: I cast knife on the space heater from ten feet away. I’m a Shooter.
  3. Voleebo Flatland 2 to Aresial Island: I cast magic missile only as a last resort because of Final Fantasy’s damnable obsession with flourish over functionality.
  4. Aresial Island to Repi Api Heights 3: Yes, steal the clothes of famous good guys to steal their strength!
  5. Monde de Shell 1 to DLC: “Monde de Shell 1 to [incomprehensible, half-hearted muttering].”

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