Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt 2

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Crisis Core -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PSP)

  1. Tutorial: You’re not the only character in this subseries!  No matter how it might appear to an outsider!
  2. Fort Tamblin: Slaughter everyone, Zack, it’s good for company policy.
  3. Banora Village, Part 1: “Hey Zack, drink this glowstick.”  “A Potion, eh? Don’t mind if I do!”
  4. Banora Village, Part 2: Whooooo wants apple pie?
  5. Shinra Building to Mako Reactor 5: I assure you that there is no symbolism in Genesis being gravely wounded during a hyper-masculine duel for supremacy on top of (and severing) a phallic object.  None.
  6. Sector 5 Church to Shinra Building: A flower a day keeps swift and horrible death by impact away.
  7. Modeoheim: Worst graduation ever.
  8. Costa de Sol to Sector 6 Park: Priorities.
  9. Nibelheim: It’s gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.
  10. Shinra Manor to Gongaga: Home sweet ruin.
  11. Banora Underground: Time’s not real anyways.


Final Fantasy VII (Steam Release – PC)

  1. Sector 1 Reactor: Attack when the tail is up! When it’s down! Left!  Attack the tail!  Attack it!
  2. Sector 1 to Second Train: “Maybe we should just ask for their IDs really nicely first?”
  3. Sector 5 Reactor to Sector 6 Playground: “You’ve also got impossible hair like my ex. Weird!”
  4. Wall Market to Train Graveyard: Plumbers Don’t Wear Tiaras.
  5. Sector 7 Pillar: *Tarzan yell*
  6. Wall Market to Hojo’s Lab: “I’m sorry, sir, but showing up to work without an ID is a grendable offence.”
  7. Laboratory Cells to Sector 5 Gate: “I swear to be worse than the last president, and the second-last president, and the president before him!”
  8. Kalm Flashback to Junon Region: Despite obvious gaps, I believe in yesterday.
  9. Fort Condor to Corel: “Look at that soldier marching out of step!  Now he’s juggling!  Now he’s holding up a ‘Down with Shinra sign!'”
  10. Gold Saucer to Cosmo Canyon Planetarium: Next we’ll see what happens when I drain the Lifestream from Windows 10!
  11. Cosmo Canyon to Nibelheim: Look, I constructed Nibelheim near the mountains so it could be a production town and get more shields per tile, it’s not my fault you’re trying to RPG in the middle of my strategy game.
  12. Mt. Nibel to Rocket Town: Perhaps it’s just a really unsuccessful Materia Keeper.  Perhaps we should encourage its hobby instead of hitting it with swords.  I mean, assuming it stops trying to eat us.
  13. Wutai to Gold Saucer: “I also took Cloud’s pancreas!  He didn’t notice that, either!”
  14. Temple of the Ancients: Well bye Tseng, it’s too bad we don’t have a set of reserve party members take you to safety!
  15. Gongaga to City of the Ancients: And an additional moment of silence for the illusion of gameplay and narrative cohesion.
  16. Icicle Inn to Great Glacier: Improvement: Elena punches you and you roll down the hill, playing the entire snowboarding game while tumbling head-over-heels.
  17. North Crater (Surface): Black is white and short is long.
  18. Tifa’s Flashback to Junon: [Indiana Jones theme record scratch]
  19. Mideel to Mideel: It’s like we went in a big old circle!
  20. Cloud’s Subconscious to Submarine Battle: Now I’m legitimately curious about other mini (not micro) games that can be cleared in seconds without glitches.
  21. Gelnika to City of the Ancients: “62!  49!  Right arm blue!  Twist it!  Bop it!”
  22. Diamond Weapon to Midgar: By which I mean we go from Diamond Weapon to Midgar.  Diamond Weapon doesn’t get to go to Midgar.  We made sure of that.
  23. Sidequests: Jaws Theme (Emerald Edition).
  24. Northern Crater: Better than the pantless finale, I suppose.
  25. Final Thoughts: Cutting edge insight, like… mayyyybe the sword is too long.


Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Theatrical Cut – DVD)

  1. Part 1: “Strife Delivery Service, he’ll deliver it but he doesn’t have to be happy about it!”
  2. Part 2: “Look kid, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that I’m a vampire… and also the last time I was even near anything like a child, he became a omnicidal super-being. I was unconscious for most of that but I’m still not taking any chances.”
  3. Part 3: “Hey Cloud, it’s Aerith. Remember when Square named me after the Earth, and then renamed me internationally to clarify that I was named after the Earth?  Turns out I’m a water spirit now. Yeah, they’ve got great focus.”


Dirge of Cerberus -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PS2)

  1. Tutorial to Chapter 1: And in this shadow, you might see a disenchanted vampire!
  2. Chapter 2 to Chapter 4: Dirge of Cerberus, Birth by Sleep… I sure am covering a lot of sibling stabbings these days!
  3. Lost Chapter to Chapter 5: Teenaged Mutant Ninja Sahagin.
  4. Chapter 6: “He broke her water bottle! The fiend!”
  5. Chapter 7 to Chapter 8-2: Well everyone, that’s another family we’ve destroyed. I hope we’re all happy.
  6. Chapter 9 to Chapter 10: “Luke, I believe that man is a vampire.” “From past experience, that’s entirely believable, professor!”
  7. Chapter 11: Why are dead people so hard to kill?
  8. Chapter 12-1 to Chapter 12-2: Build a weaponized shrine to this perfect dead body!


Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions (PSP)

  1. Orbonne Monastery to Gariland: “Wait, have you been Ramza Beouvle this entire time? Why am I even telling you this?”
  2. Mandalia Plain to Eagrose: Bag of holding, Bag of lording.
  3. Siege Weald to Sand Rat’s Sietch: Or rather: The Siege Weald, The Siege Weald, Dorter, The Siege Weald… to Sand Rat’s Sietch.
  4. Brigands’ Den: One of these days I’m going to cover an actual extended period of time in one FFT post.  And then I’ll show you!  I’ll show you all!
  5. Lenalian Plateau to Ziekden Fortress: Quick, tell them that I’m terrified of cross and diamond formations.


Final Fantasy Unlimited (TV)

  1. Episode 1 – Wonderland: Journal into the Darkness: This is where I’d make an Earthworm Jim gag, if I were remotely familiar with the franchise.
  2. Episode 2 – Magun: Man of the Black Wind: Who do you call when you want some pepperoni?
  3. Episode 3 – Fruit: The Town of Sweet Scent: Oh no, the banana smugglers from FFLII have corrupted Wonderland!
  4. Episode 4 – Makenshi: The White Etude: Okay so Cid, Edgar and Prompto start looking over blueprints…
  5. Episode 5 – Cid: The Adventure of the Underground Waterway: Someone remake FFIII so I can turn into this kind of Viking!
  6. Episode 6 – Kigen Arts: The Saviour of Souls: 🎵 I set fire… to the lake…🎵

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Final Fantasy (U) [!]_002