Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt 2

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Crisis Core -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PSP)

  1. Tutorial: You’re not the only character in this subseries!  No matter how it might appear to an outsider!
  2. Fort Tamblin: Slaughter everyone, Zack, it’s good for company policy.
  3. Banora Village, Part 1: “Zack, try our new soft drink, Shinra Dew!”  “A Potion, eh?  Don’t mind if I do!”
  4. Banora Village, Part 2: Whooooo wants apple pie?
  5. Shinra Building to Mako Reactor 5: I assure you that there is no symbolism in Genesis being gravely wounded during a hyper-masculine duel for supremacy on top of (and severing) a phallic object.  None.
  6. Sector 5 Church to Shinra Building: A flower a day keeps swift and horrible death by impact away.
  7. Modeoheim: Worst graduation ever.
  8. Costa de Sol to Sector 6 Park: Priorities.
  9. Nibelheim: It’s gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.
  10. Shinra Manor to Gongaga: Home sweet ruin.
  11. Banora Underground: Time’s not real anyways.

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Final Fantasy VII (Steam Release – PC)

  1. Sector 1 Reactor: Attack when the tail is up! When it’s down! Left!  Attack the tail!  Attack it!
  2. Sector 1 to Second Train: “Maybe we should just ask for their IDs really nicely first?”
  3. Sector 5 Reactor to Sector 6 Playground: “You’ve also got impossible hair like my ex. Weird!”
  4. Wall Market to Train Graveyard: Plumbers Don’t Wear Tiaras.
  5. Sector 7 Pillar: *Tarzan yell*
  6. Wall Market to Hojo’s Lab: “I’m sorry, sir, but showing up to work without an ID is a grendable offence.”
  7. Laboratory Cells to Sector 5 Gate: “I swear to be worse than the last president, and the second-last president, and the president before him!”
  8. Kalm Flashback to Junon Region: Despite obvious gaps, I believe in yesterday.
  9. Fort Condor to Corel: “Look at that soldier marching out of step!  Now he’s juggling!  Now he’s holding up a ‘Down with Shinra sign!'”
  10. Gold Saucer to Cosmo Canyon Planetarium: Next we’ll see what happens when I drain the Lifestream from Windows 10!
  11. Cosmo Canyon to Nibelheim: Look, I constructed Nibelheim near the mountains so it could be a production town and get more shields, it’s not my fault you’re trying to RPG in the middle of my strategy game.
  12. Mt. Nibel to Rocket Town: Perhaps it’s just a really unsuccessful Materia Keeper.  Perhaps we should encourage its hobby instead of hitting it with swords.  I mean, assuming it stops trying to eat us.
  13. Wutai to Gold Saucer: “I also took Cloud’s pancreas!  He didn’t notice that, either!”
  14. Temple of the Ancients: Well bye Tseng, it’s too bad we don’t have a set of reserve party members take you to safety!
  15. Gongaga to City of the Ancients: And an additional moment of silence for the illusion of gameplay and narrative cohesion.
  16. Icicle Inn to Great Glacier: Improvement: Elena punches you and you roll down the hill, playing the entire snowboarding game while tumbling head-over-heels.
  17. North Crater (Surface): Black is white and short is long.
  18. Tifa’s Flashback to Junon: [Indiana Jones theme record scratch]
  19. Mideel to Mideel: It’s like we went in a big old circle!
  20. Cloud’s Subconscious to Submarine Battle: Now I’m legitimately curious about other mini (not micro) games that can be cleared in seconds without glitches.
  21. Gelnika to City of the Ancients: “62!  49!  Right arm blue!  Twist it!  Bop it!”
  22. Diamond Weapon to Midgar: By which I mean we go from Diamond Weapon to Midgar.  Diamond Weapon doesn’t get to go to Midgar.  We made sure of that.
  23. Sidequests: Jaws Theme (Emerald Edition).
  24. Northern Crater: Better than the pantless finale, I suppose.
  25. Final Thoughts: Cutting edge insight, like… mayyyybe the sword is too long.

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Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Theatrical Cut – DVD)

  1. Part 1: “Strife Delivery Service, he’ll deliver it but he doesn’t have to be happy about it!”
  2. Part 2: “Look kid, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that I’m a vampire… and also the last time I was even near anything like a child, he became a omnicidal super-being. I was unconscious for most of that but I’m still not taking any chances.”
  3. Part 3: “Hey Cloud, it’s Aerith. Remember when Square named me after the Earth, and then renamed me internationally to clarify that I was named after the Earth?  Turns out I’m a water spirit now. Yeah, they’ve got great focus.”

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Dirge of Cerberus -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PS2)

  1. Tutorial to Chapter 1: And in this shadow, you might see a disenchanted vampire!
  2. Chapter 2 to Chapter 4: Dirge of Cerberus, Birth by Sleep… I sure am covering a lot of sibling stabbings these days!
  3. Lost Chapter to Chapter 5: Teenaged Mutant Ninja Sahagin.
  4. Chapter 6: “He broke her water bottle! The fiend!”
  5. Chapter 7 to Chapter 8-2: Well everyone, that’s another family we’ve destroyed. I hope we’re all happy.
  6. Chapter 9 to Chapter 10: “Luke, I believe that man is a vampire.” “From past experience, that’s entirely believable, professor!”
  7. Chapter 11: Why are dead people so hard to kill?
  8. Chapter 12-1 to Chapter 12-2: Build a weaponized shrine to this perfect dead body!

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Final Fantasy (U) [!]_002

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