Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt 2

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Crisis Core -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PSP)

  1. Tutorial: You’re not the only character in this subseries! No matter how it might appear to an outsider!
  2. Fort Tamblin: Slaughter everyone, Zack, it’s good for company policy.
  3. Banora Village, Part 1: “Hey Zack, drink this glowstick.”  “A Potion, eh? Don’t mind if I do!”
  4. Banora Village, Part 2: Whooooo wants apple pie?
  5. Shinra Building to Mako Reactor 5: I assure you that there is no symbolism in Genesis being gravely wounded during a hyper-masculine duel for supremacy on top of (and severing) a phallic object.  None.
  6. Sector 5 Church to Shinra Building: A flower a day keeps swift and horrible death by impact away.
  7. Modeoheim: Worst graduation ever.
  8. Costa de Sol to Sector 6 Park: Priorities.
  9. Nibelheim: It’s gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.
  10. Shinra Manor to Gongaga: Home sweet ruin.
  11. Banora Underground: Time’s not real anyways.


Final Fantasy VII (Steam Release – PC)

  1. Sector 1 Reactor: Attack when the tail is up! When it’s down! Left! Attack the tail! Attack it!
  2. Sector 1 to Second Train: “Maybe we should just ask for their IDs really nicely first?”
  3. Sector 5 Reactor to Sector 6 Playground: “You’ve also got impossible hair like my ex. Weird!”
  4. Wall Market to Train Graveyard: Plumbers Don’t Wear Tiaras.
  5. Sector 7 Pillar: *Tarzan yell*
  6. Wall Market to Hojo’s Lab: “I’m sorry, sir, but showing up to work without an ID is a grendable offence.”
  7. Laboratory Cells to Sector 5 Gate: “I swear to be worse than the last president, and the second-last president, and the president before him!”
  8. Kalm Flashback to Junon Region: Despite obvious gaps, I believe in yesterday.
  9. Fort Condor to Corel: “Look at that soldier marching out of step! Now he’s juggling! Now he’s holding up a ‘Down with Shinra sign!'”
  10. Gold Saucer to Cosmo Canyon Planetarium: Next we’ll see what happens when I drain the Lifestream from Windows 10!
  11. Cosmo Canyon to Nibelheim: Look, I constructed Nibelheim near the mountains so it could be a production town and get more shields per tile, it’s not my fault you’re trying to RPG in the middle of my strategy game.
  12. Mt. Nibel to Rocket Town: Perhaps it’s just a really unsuccessful Materia Keeper. Perhaps we should encourage its hobby instead of hitting it with swords. I mean, assuming it stops trying to eat us.
  13. Wutai to Gold Saucer: “I also took Cloud’s pancreas! He didn’t notice that, either!”
  14. Temple of the Ancients: Well bye Tseng, it’s too bad we don’t have a set of reserve party members take you to safety!
  15. Gongaga to City of the Ancients: And an additional moment of silence for the illusion of gameplay and narrative cohesion.
  16. Icicle Inn to Great Glacier: Improvement: Elena punches you and you roll down the hill, playing the entire snowboarding game while tumbling head-over-heels.
  17. North Crater (Surface): Black is white up is down and short is long.
  18. Tifa’s Flashback to Junon: [Indiana Jones theme record scratch]
  19. Mideel to Mideel: It’s like we went in a big old circle!
  20. Cloud’s Subconscious to Submarine Battle: Now I’m legitimately curious about other mini (not micro) games that can be cleared in seconds without glitches.
  21. Gelnika to City of the Ancients: “62! 49! Right arm blue! Twist it! Bop it!”
  22. Diamond Weapon to Midgar: By which I mean we go from Diamond Weapon to Midgar. Diamond Weapon doesn’t get to go to Midgar. We made sure of that.
  23. Sidequests: Jaws Theme (Emerald Edition).
  24. Northern Crater: Better than the pantless finale, I suppose.
  25. Final Thoughts: Cutting edge insight, like… mayyyybe the sword is too long.


Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Theatrical Cut – DVD)

  1. Part 1: “Strife Delivery Service, he’ll deliver it but he doesn’t have to be happy about it!”
  2. Part 2: “Look kid, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that I’m a vampire… and also the last time I was even near anything like a child, he became a omnicidal super-being. I was unconscious for most of that but I’m still not taking any chances.”
  3. Part 3: “Hey Cloud, it’s Aerith. Remember when Square named me after the Earth, and then renamed me internationally to clarify that I was named after the Earth? Turns out I’m a water spirit now. Yeah, they’ve got great focus.”


Dirge of Cerberus -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PS2)

  1. Tutorial to Chapter 1: And in this shadow, you might see a disenchanted vampire!
  2. Chapter 2 to Chapter 4: Dirge of Cerberus, Birth by Sleep… I sure am covering a lot of sibling stabbings these days!
  3. Lost Chapter to Chapter 5: Teenaged Mutant Ninja Sahagin.
  4. Chapter 6: “He broke her water bottle! The fiend!”
  5. Chapter 7 to Chapter 8-2: Well everyone, that’s another family we’ve destroyed. I hope we’re all happy.
  6. Chapter 9 to Chapter 10: “Luke, I believe that man is a vampire.” “From past experience, that’s entirely believable, professor!”
  7. Chapter 11: Why are dead people so hard to kill?
  8. Chapter 12-1 to Chapter 12-2: Build a weaponized shrine to this perfect dead body!


Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions (PSP)

  1. Orbonne Monastery to Gariland: “Wait, have you been Ramza Beouvle this entire time? Why am I even telling you this?”
  2. Mandalia Plain to Eagrose: Bag of holding, Bag of lording.
  3. Siege Weald to Sand Rat’s Sietch: Or rather: The Siege Weald, The Siege Weald, Dorter, The Siege Weald… to Sand Rat’s Sietch.
  4. Brigands’ Den: One of these days I’m going to cover an actual extended period of time in one FFT post. And then I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!
  5. Lenalian Plateau to Ziekden Fortress: Quick, tell them that I’m terrified of cross and diamond formations.
  6. Dorter to Zeirchele Falls: FFT is about a world where an alliance of former knights and former history teachers are forced to banditry and conspiracy.
  7. Zaland to Lionel: Tentacle shower!
  8. Tchigolith Fenlands to Balias Swale: My recording is like… “Let’s go find our friend, Mustadio!” [jump-cut to a bloody massacre]
  9. Golgallada Gallows to Lionel Castle Gate: I never thought I’d be so desperate for a tutorial saying “Here’s how to hit a button.”
  10. Lionel Castle Oratory: Peasants eat dirt and spite, right?
  11. Chapter 3 Opening to Lesalia Castle Postern: Between Orran and Alma, Ramza has a lot of friends who don’t want to teach him useful techniques.
  12. Orbonne Monastery: On a related note, what’s with these low arches that we can walk on without hitting the ceiling?
  13. Orbonne Aftermath to Grogh Heights: Aye, Polly, but if these be the heights, then where be all the grogh?
  14. Yardrow to The Yuguewood: “I know! I’ll destroy the lives of two of the world’s least efficient wizards!”
  15. Riovanes Castle: “For my next trick, I’ll take all the guards away from my house so that they can attack the enemy instead, which will absolutely not lead to any kidnappings.”
  16. Chapter 4 Intro to Outlying Church: “It is I! The Ghost of Voice Actors Yet-To-Be-Hired!”
  17. Beowulf Sidequest to Beddha Sandwaste: “Cid, I’m arresting you on hearsay. If it makes you feel any better, it’s the best hearsay I’ve ever heard.”
  18. Fort Besselat to Fort Besselat Sluice: How’s everyone enjoying the word “sluice,” anyways? Good word? Visceral? Wet?
  19. Sal Ghidos to Nelveska Temple: We have a winner, folks! The gentleman in the back, actively fleeing from our staff! You have just won Biggest Coward of the Year!
  20. Mount Germinas to Limberry Castle Undercroft: Defeat Alfred. Anders. Altoids.
  21. Dorvaulder Marsh to Mullonde Cathedral Sanctuary: Fratricide for Fun and Negative Profit
  22. Lionel to Brigand’s Den: Cloud, are you telling me that you can only use a one-of-a-kind sword forged in the heart of a volcano and stolen from the monsters that possess it, because I think you’re rubbing it in a bit.
  23. Orbonne Monastery to Lost Halidom: Quick, pick a Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote for Barich coming back to life!
  24. Airship Graveyard: I keep forgetting Hashmal is Leo, not Aries, so originally titled this post, “Baa Baa Boss Sheep.”
  25. Appendix – Sound Novels: A fictional story within a supposedly nonfiction story within a historical nonfiction story within a video game narrative which just so happens to be a remake…


  1. Balamb Garden: “Do NOT give your partner ‘cool scars’ during training.”
  2. Still Balamb Garden: I used up all my card game jokes during Chain of Memories, does anyone have any fours?
  3. Fire Cavern: Squall’s recent Google searches: “how to get hot gf”
  4. Raid on Dollet, Part 1: Gunblade, gunknife, gunchucks, guknuckles…
  5. Raid on Dollet, Part 2: I’ve also been chased by a spider, though the proportions may have been reversed.
  6. SeeD Graduation to Ball: “And an A+ for Costuming, you Testusya Nomura dream, you!”
  7. Training Room to Balamb Train Station: Imagine if Zell could have kept that hoverboard all game long, combat and all.
  8. Timber-Deling Flashback: I dreamt I was a moron. With an awesome machine gun! Yeeeeah!
  9. Timber Railway: Anyone else want to make a joke about the president being a slavering zombie monster?
  10. TV Station to Excavation Site Flashback: We were only on the train for a few seconds, should I give this post another train-themed movie title or what?
  11. Galbadia Garden to Tomb of the Unknown King: Alternate title: “Minat-aur Brother.”
  12. Deling City Parade: Is it tacky to do a Thriller joke? I feel like it’s like kicking a dead horse. Eh? Eh??
  13. Winhill Flashback to D-District Prison: I guess I’m just not feeling Laguna’s idea of interior decor…
  14. D-District Prison to Missile Base: Dead Friend of Holding
  15. Galbadia Garden: The yellow-black sheep. The Ampharos of the Shumi tribe, if you will.
  16. Galbadia Garden to Concert: Recent Google Searches: how to make zell play cowbell


Final Fantasy Unlimited (TV)

  1. Episode 1 – Wonderland: Journal into the Darkness: This is where I’d make an Earthworm Jim gag, if I were remotely familiar with the franchise.
  2. Episode 2 – Magun: Man of the Black Wind: Who do you call when you want some pepperoni?
  3. Episode 3 – Fruit: The Town of Sweet Scent: Oh no, the banana smugglers from FFLII have corrupted Wonderland!
  4. Episode 4 – Makenshi: The White Etude: Okay so Cid, Edgar and Prompto start looking over blueprints…
  5. Episode 5 – Cid: The Adventure of the Underground Waterway: Someone remake FFIII so I can turn into this kind of Viking!
  6. Episode 6 – Kigen Arts: The Saviour of Souls: 🎵 I set fire… to the lake…🎵
  7. Episode 7 – Subway: Enemy of the Dimensional Tunnel: The Earl would like to meet the demon who attacked the train and shake its hand!
  8. Episode 8 – Soil: The Heart of the Magun: I changed my mind, this is the worst shower ever.
  9. Episode 9 – Oscha: The Endless Project: Quick, someone make a joke about this being Square Enix HQ!
  10. Episode 10 – Mansion: The Memory of Sagiso: Would the parent of this phosphorescent child please return him to his proper TV show?
  11. Episode 11 – Ciel: The Departure of Chocobo: Bravely ran away-away!
  12. Episode 12 – Fungus: Eternal Life: If it’s not new, it doesn’t work!
  13. Episode 13 – Meteor: Abominable Memory: If nothing else, I can at least learn Meteor Master’s secret identity! …I have no idea who this is.
  14. Episode 14 – Omega: Reunion and Departure: But seriously, where are the Comodeen getting these resources?
  15. Episode 15 – Jane: The Moving Ocean Puzzle: Next give us a character-building ep for that 3D baby squid.
  16. Episode 16 – Kigen Summon: Behind the Smile: But enough about Lisa’s smile. Kaze! What’s behind the scowl?
  17. Episode 17 – Frog: The Smallest Great Adventure: Another definition of “otome” is “virgin,” so Cid might be about to learn more about his coworkers than he may be comfortable learning.
  18. Episode 18 – Madoushi: The Battle of Kiri and Kumo: “Hey boss, didn’t we used to have a main character?” “…Shit, somebody go wake Kaze!”
  19. Episode 19 – Ai: Meeting with Clear: “Actually sir, I was talking about the twins.” “…Shit, somebody go wake Ai!”
  20. Episode 20 – Yu: The Secret of Gaudium: “Don’t want any lollypop? How about a Mars bar or something? Look, I think I have like half a Twizzler in my pocket.”
  21. Episode 21 – Cactus: The Wandering Ocean: It’s the mascot hour, here on Episode 21 and 22!
  22. Episode 22 – Moogle: Nostalgic Memories: Ah yes, the go-to Moogle name: Lali-ho! Off we go, Lali!
  23. Episode 23 – Teros: Long Lost Memories: This is the worst Jell-o I’ve ever had!
  24. Episode 24 – Chaos: The Earl Unveiled: And this is the worst Jell-o flambé!
  25. Episode 25 – Kaze: The Glory of Life: Ah yes, the man who promises to let everyone die if he can kill his target. The glory of life!
  26. Unlimited After 1, Part 1; and Unlimited Before: I like to imagine Soljashy’s business cards have “Evil Minion” on them, each crossed out manually in pen.
  27. Unlimited After 1, Part 2: Ah yes, the traditional Final Fantasy cameo for the Russian Mafia. Such a memorable section from FFVI!
  28. Unlimited After Spiral, Part 1: Happy graduation-kidnapping!
  29. Unlimited After Spiral, Part 2: Look on the bright side, Touya, the last Prison Cage I fought would have eaten you.
  30. Unlimited After 2: I summon Leviathan against the darkness!

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