Final Fantasy Marathon Directory, pt 2

IntroductionRaw Feed

Crisis Core -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PSP)

  1. Tutorial: You’re not the only character in this subseries! No matter how it might appear to an outsider!
  2. Fort Tamblin: Slaughter everyone, Zack, it’s good for company policy.
  3. Banora Village, Part 1: “Hey Zack, drink this glowstick.”  “A Potion, eh? Don’t mind if I do!”
  4. Banora Village, Part 2: Whooooo wants apple pie?
  5. Shinra Building to Mako Reactor 5: I assure you that there is no symbolism in Genesis being gravely wounded during a hyper-masculine duel for supremacy on top of (and severing) a phallic object.  None.
  6. Sector 5 Church to Shinra Building: A flower a day keeps swift and horrible death by impact away.
  7. Modeoheim: Worst graduation ever.
  8. Costa de Sol to Sector 6 Park: Priorities.
  9. Nibelheim: It’s gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.
  10. Shinra Manor to Gongaga: Home sweet ruin.
  11. Banora Underground to Hill Overlooking Midgar: Time’s not real anyways.

Final Fantasy VII (Steam Release – PC)

  1. Sector 1 Reactor: Attack when the tail is up! When it’s down! Left! Attack the tail! Attack it!
  2. Sector 1 to Second Train: “Maybe we should just ask for their IDs really nicely first?”
  3. Sector 5 Reactor to Sector 6 Playground: “You’ve also got impossible hair like my ex. Weird!”
  4. Wall Market to Train Graveyard: Plumbers Don’t Wear Tiaras.
  5. Sector 7 Pillar: *Tarzan yell*
  6. Wall Market to Hojo’s Lab: “I’m sorry, sir, but showing up to work without an ID is a grendable offence.”
  7. Laboratory Cells to Sector 5 Gate: “I swear to be worse than the last president, and the second-last president, and the president before him!”
  8. Kalm Flashback to Junon Region: Despite obvious gaps, I believe in yesterday.
  9. Fort Condor to Corel: “Look at that soldier marching out of step! Now he’s juggling! Now he’s holding up a ‘Down with Shinra sign!'”
  10. Gold Saucer to Cosmo Canyon Planetarium: Next we’ll see what happens when I drain the Lifestream from Windows 10!
  11. Cosmo Canyon to Nibelheim: Look, I constructed Nibelheim near the mountains so it could be a production town and get more shields per tile, it’s not my fault you’re trying to RPG in the middle of my strategy game.
  12. Mt. Nibel to Rocket Town: Perhaps it’s just a really unsuccessful Materia Keeper. Perhaps we should encourage its hobby instead of hitting it with swords. I mean, assuming it stops trying to eat us.
  13. Wutai to Gold Saucer: “I also took Cloud’s pancreas! He didn’t notice that, either!”
  14. Temple of the Ancients: Well bye Tseng, it’s too bad we don’t have a set of reserve party members take you to safety!
  15. Gongaga to City of the Ancients: And an additional moment of silence for the illusion of gameplay and narrative cohesion.
  16. Icicle Inn to Great Glacier: Improvement: Elena punches you and you roll down the hill, playing the entire snowboarding game while tumbling head-over-heels.
  17. North Crater (Surface): Black is white up is down and short is long.
  18. Tifa’s Flashback to Junon: [Indiana Jones theme record scratch]
  19. Mideel to Mideel: It’s like we went in a big old circle!
  20. Cloud’s Subconscious to Submarine Battle: Now I’m legitimately curious about other mini (not micro) games that can be cleared in seconds without glitches.
  21. Gelnika to City of the Ancients: “62! 49! Right hand blue! Twist it! Bop it!”
  22. Diamond Weapon to Midgar: By which I mean we go from Diamond Weapon to Midgar. Diamond Weapon doesn’t get to go to Midgar. We made sure of that.
  23. Sidequests: Jaws Theme (Emerald Edition).
  24. Northern Crater: Better than the pantless finale, I suppose.
  25. Final Thoughts: Cutting edge insight, like… mayyyybe the sword is too long.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Theatrical Cut – DVD)

  1. Part 1: “Strife Delivery Service, he’ll deliver it but he doesn’t have to be happy about it!”
  2. Part 2: “Look kid, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that I’m a vampire… and also the last time I was even near anything like a child, he became a omnicidal super-being. I was unconscious for most of that but I’m still not taking any chances.”
  3. Part 3: “Hey Cloud, it’s Aerith. Remember when Square named me after the Earth, and then renamed me internationally to clarify that I was named after the Earth? Turns out I’m a water spirit now. Yeah, they’ve got great focus.”

Dirge of Cerberus -Final Fantasy VII- (Original Release – PS2)

  1. Tutorial to Chapter 1: And in this shadow, you might see a disenchanted vampire!
  2. Chapter 2 to Chapter 4: Dirge of Cerberus, Birth by Sleep… I sure am covering a lot of sibling stabbings these days!
  3. Lost Chapter to Chapter 5: Teenaged Mutant Ninja Sahagin.
  4. Chapter 6: “He broke her water bottle! The fiend!”
  5. Chapter 7 to Chapter 8-2: Well everyone, that’s another family we’ve destroyed. I hope we’re all happy.
  6. Chapter 9 to Chapter 10: “Luke, I believe that man is a vampire.” “From past experience, that’s entirely believable, professor!”
  7. Chapter 11: Why are dead people so hard to kill?
  8. Chapter 12-1 to Chapter 12-2: Build a weaponized shrine to this perfect dead body!

Before Crisis -Final Fantasy VII- (Longplay Analysis and Commentary)

  1. Character Selection: I’m disappointed in myself for not taking a shot at “Rod (Male).”
  2. Chapter 1 – Those Who Lurk in the Night: Then again, you could go to Sears to buy some Shears…
  3. Chapter 2 – The Assassin Smiles in the Bright Daylight: Someone get me that gif of “Refiroph” from that wrestling game.
  4. Chapter 3 – Swords Crossing in the Twilight: Sephiroth knows how to do his job: clear out everyone within ten feet and not one step further.
  5. Chapter 4 – An Existence Proved Through Scars: Reno: “If you think about it, the true enemy are the friends we might have lost along the way, and not this dangerous terrorist commander.”
  6. Episode Reno: Enjoy this advertisement for Crisis Core, featuring a whole… [checks notes] 3 minutes of content directly related to Crisis Core.
  7. Chapter 5 – The Dream of a Nameless Soldier: Constant bullet time.
  8. Chapter 6 – Tonight in Our Innocent World: Tonight, in our innocent world… cockroaches!!
  9. Chapter 7 – Scattered Lights Wrapped in Darkness: Rise of the Kynugllg.
  10. Chapter 8 – A Darkness too Deep for Light to Reach: The First Disaster strikes again!
  11. Chapter 9 – Stepping into Uncertainty: The elevator itself is shooting those last shots, it’s had it up to here with people riding for free.
  12. Episode Legend: The most Shinra-esque punishment I’ve ever seen is to reward revenge killings by restricting the killer to a resort town.
  13. Chapter 10 – The Sole Deciding Factor: It’s starting to hit me just how distressing common Bombs must be in the Final Fantasy universes.
  14. Chapter 11 – A Dash for Freedom: It’s okay to betray your employers, who are basically the autocratic world government, so long as you restrict it to evenings and weekends.
  15. Chapter 12 – Awakening Tears the Calm Apart: Non-canon fun time theatre hour.
  16. Chapter 13 – The Scar of Calm’s Destruction: Ohhhhh it’s a double meaning, I get it now.
  17. Chapter 14 – Each and Everyone’s Resolve and Wishes: And before I steal the materia, I’m also going to steal the spotlight! Hello Midgar!
  18. Chapter 15 – To the Distant Skies and Beyond: Dragging a generic NPC to prison while they repeat: “Dodongos dislike smoke! Dodongos dislike smoke!
  19. Chapter 16 – The Dim Flow of Irresistible Fate: Hot bullets of Shotgun to die!
  20. Chapter 17 – Fangs of Chaos: Life-saving knuckle sandwich.
  21. Chapter 18 – The Howl Echoing Through Heaven and Earth: Red stays on that cliff so long you’d think he was petrifie-e-eeeeehhh poor choice of words.
  22. Chapter 19 – The Choices Made in the Beginning and the End: Knock a Raven into a whole Rube Goldberg device to reveal the next chest.
  23. Chapter 20 – Accepting the Price of their Resolve: I can see the future! ……Oh no. Ohhhhh no.
  24. Chapter 21 – Ready to Head to the Finale: Nero the Sable also cameos in BC, but only in the same capacity he was in Dirge of Cerberus: by not being in it. If you’re around him long enough that makes sense.
  25. Chapter 22-1 – Threatening to Shatter the Very Firmament, Part 1: Let’s see if Elfe is under this pint! No? What about that pint?
  26. Episode Tseng: I destroyed the documents with this pushpin.
  27. Chapter 22-2 – Threatening to Shatter the Very Firmament, Part 2: Quick, reuse those train graphics to retroactively justify the cost!
  28. Chapter 23 – On a Runaway Train to Certain Doom: Behemoths not only manifest out of thin air, but they manifest with an consistent system of imperial monarchy, which is even more philosophically daunting.
  29. Chapter 24 – Limit-Breaking Concerto: “Tseng, I’m going to eliminate the Turks and have you all executed unless you get a new haircut.”

Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions (WotL Original Release – PSP)

  1. Orbonne Monastery to Gariland: “Wait, have you been Ramza Beouvle this entire time? Why am I even telling you this?”
  2. Mandalia Plain to Eagrose: Bag of holding, Bag of lording.
  3. Siege Weald to Sand Rat’s Sietch: Or rather: The Siege Weald, The Siege Weald, Dorter, The Siege Weald… to Sand Rat’s Sietch.
  4. Brigands’ Den: One of these days I’m going to cover an actual extended period of time in one FFT post. And then I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!
  5. Lenalian Plateau to Ziekden Fortress: Quick, tell them that I’m terrified of cross and diamond formations.
  6. Dorter to Zeirchele Falls: FFT is about a world where an alliance of former knights and former history teachers are forced to banditry and conspiracy.
  7. Zaland to Lionel: Tentacle shower!
  8. Tchigolith Fenlands to Balias Swale: My recording is like… “Let’s go find our friend, Mustadio!” [jump-cut to a bloody massacre]
  9. Golgallada Gallows to Lionel Castle Gate: I never thought I’d be so desperate for a tutorial saying “Here’s how to hit a button.”
  10. Lionel Castle Oratory: Peasants eat dirt and spite, right?
  11. Chapter 3 Opening to Lesalia Castle Postern: Between Orran and Alma, Ramza has a lot of friends who don’t want to teach him useful techniques.
  12. Orbonne Monastery: On a related note, what’s with these low arches that we can walk on without hitting the ceiling?
  13. Orbonne Aftermath to Grogh Heights: Aye, Polly, but if these be the heights, then where be all the grogh?
  14. Yardrow to The Yuguewood: “I know! I’ll destroy the lives of two of the world’s least efficient wizards!”
  15. Riovanes Castle: “For my next trick, I’ll take all the guards away from my house so that they can attack the enemy instead, which will absolutely not lead to any kidnappings.”
  16. Chapter 4 Intro to Outlying Church: “It is I! The Ghost of Voice Actors Yet-To-Be-Hired!”
  17. Beowulf Sidequest to Beddha Sandwaste: “Cid, I’m arresting you on hearsay. If it makes you feel any better, it’s the best hearsay I’ve ever heard.”
  18. Fort Besselat to Fort Besselat Sluice: How’s everyone enjoying the word “sluice,” anyways? Good word? Visceral? Wet?
  19. Sal Ghidos to Nelveska Temple: We have a winner, folks! The gentleman in the back, actively fleeing from our staff! You have just won Biggest Coward of the Year!
  20. Mount Germinas to Limberry Castle Undercroft: Defeat Alfred. Anders. Altoids.
  21. Dorvaulder Marsh to Mullonde Cathedral Sanctuary: Fratricide for Fun and Negative Profit
  22. Lionel to Brigand’s Den: Cloud, are you telling me that you can only use a one-of-a-kind sword forged in the heart of a volcano and stolen from the monsters that possess it, because I think you’re rubbing it in a bit.
  23. Orbonne Monastery to Lost Halidom: Quick, pick a Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote for Barich coming back to life!
  24. Airship Graveyard: I keep forgetting Hashmal is Leo, not Aries, so originally titled this post, “Baa Baa Boss Sheep.”
  25. Appendix – Sound Novels: A fictional story within a supposedly nonfiction story within a historical nonfiction story within a video game narrative which just so happens to be a remake…

Final Fantasy VIII (Steam Release – PC)

  1. Balamb Garden: “Do NOT give your partner ‘cool scars’ during training.”
  2. Still Balamb Garden: I used up all my card game jokes during Chain of Memories, does anyone have any fours?
  3. Fire Cavern: Squall’s recent Google searches: “how to get hot gf”
  4. Raid on Dollet, Part 1: Gunblade, gunknife, gunchucks, guknuckles…
  5. Raid on Dollet, Part 2: I’ve also been chased by a spider, though the proportions may have been reversed.
  6. SeeD Graduation to Ball: “And an A+ for Costuming, you Testusya Nomura dream, you!”
  7. Training Room to Balamb Train Station: Imagine if Zell could have kept that hoverboard all game long, combat and all.
  8. Timber-Deling Flashback: I dreamt I was a moron. With an awesome machine gun! Yeeeeah!
  9. Timber Railway: Anyone else want to make a joke about the president being a slavering zombie monster?
  10. TV Station to Excavation Site Flashback: We were only on the train for a few seconds, should I give this post another train-themed movie title or what?
  11. Galbadia Garden to Tomb of the Unknown King: Alternate title: “Minat-aur Brother.”
  12. Deling City Parade: Is it tacky to do a Thriller joke? I feel like it’s like kicking an undead horse. Eh? Eh??
  13. Winhill Flashback to D-District Prison: I guess I’m just not feeling Laguna’s idea of interior decor…
  14. D-District Prison to Missile Base: Dead Friend of Holding
  15. Galbadia Garden: The yellow-black sheep. The Ampharos of the Shumi tribe, if you will.
  16. Galbadia Garden to Concert: Recent Google Searches: how to make zell play cowbell
  17. Galbadia Town to Trabia Garden: Sure, your hometown blew up and lots of your friends are dead, but that’s no reason not to give me your trading cards!
  18. Shumi Village and Chocobo World: ♫ I play my Tamogatchi bird all day! ♫
  19. Battle of the Gardens: Rinoa comes out of this with the forearms of a professional bodybuilder.
  20. Centra Ruins to Orphanage: Sorry, sorry, our capture device got so bored with our sidequesting that it fell asleep. Made sure to catch every thrilling minute of Triple Triad, though.
  21. Movie Flashback to Esthar Border: Laguna Loire is The Dragonslayer!
  22. Great Salt Lake to Esthar Palace: I can see the future! But I can’t record it without soft resetting the game!
  23. Lunar Gate to Ragnarok: All I’m saying is that there should have been more security than: “Would you like to release archvillain Y/N?”
  24. Centra to Winhill: Cuchi-cuhi-coo the Pu Pu.
  25. Sorceress Memorial to Deep Sea Research Center: Ah yes, the saran rap factory.
  26. Orphanage to Esthar: In the fine tradition of your country deposing heads of state that try to destroy the world, I am throwing a coup this instant.
  27. Lunatic Pandora: My romantic dream… to be discarded before the final disc of my own game…
  28. Time Compression to Ultimecia’s Fortress: Time keeps on slippin’.
  29. Ultimecia’s Fortress: You know, if you think about it, there can’t be a “Final” Fantasy in time compression.
  30. Finale: “Eyes on Me” Apocalypse -ReMix-.

Final Fantasy IX (HD Release – PC)

  1. Alexandria and Tetra Master: You can’t read Journal coverage of FFIX until you defeat me at a children’s card game!
  2. Alexandria, Part 2: Clinging firmly to one ladder with one hand, and the other ladder with one foot, Puck gracefully began to juggle.
  3. Evil Forest: Crash-landing in the Evil Forest is close, but still not quite as bad, as the time Sora from KH2 parked his vehicle in hell.
  4. Ice Cavern to Dali: “Sealion” looks like Game Freak’s rejected name for Dewgong, let’s be real.
  5. Cargo Ship to Lindblum: “Boy, Timber from FFVIII sure is hard to navigate.” FFIX steps up, turns to FFXV. “Take my beer.”
  6. Qu’s Marsh to Gizamaluke’s Grotto: *Popeye theme plays*
  7. Lindblum Customs to Gargan Roo: Okay we haven’t mastered smell-o-scope technology yet but it’s very important to the central themes that you imagine Dagger smelling like pickles for the remainder of the game.
  8. Cleyra to Alexandria: Spin me right ’round, away from useful prizes.
  9. Pinnacle Rocks to Lindblum: I hope Ifrit gives us a safe sex PSA starring Firion, that could have even more parts to it!
  10. Fossil Roo to Mountain Path: Mog is going to get some serious clown care.
  11. Madain Sari to Madain Sari: We’ve decided to just live in Madain Sari from now on.
  12. Iifa Tree to Treno: I was going to make a joke about a CCG all about vermin, but then I realized that would have actually happened if Yugioh had been created just a little earlier into the gross-out 90s.
  13. Alexandra to Black Mage Village: New spin on “the Evil Eye.”
  14. Desert Palace and Oeilvert: A shell game, except with a castle! A castle sitting under a walnut shell!
  15. Mt. Gulug to Ipsen’s Castle: Mt. Glugugugugggluglg.
  16. Dageurreo to Pandaemonium: Yes, yes I did copy and paste both place names to make sure their spelling was correct, why?
  17. Pandaemonium, Part 2:  Magical earlobe. Magical armpit. Magical ring toe.
  18. Iifa Tree to Memoria: Hey remember when the Yoggy Rams were kicking our ass, because that’s the memory I’m stuck in.
  19. Memoria to Crystal World: Necron rides in on Xemnas’ dragon’s back, diving in to use Akuma’s goshoryuken.
  20. Epilogue: After I’m gone… remember to mis-attribute my dying words… to Firion…

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Film – DVD)

  1. Part 1: I’ve been having these weird dreams lately. Like, is any of this for real, or just expensive and rapidly dated CGi?
  2. Part 2: The serpent then began its marionette act.
  3. Part 3: [deleted ending] “Huh, that’s a lot of lifestream coming in from orbit.”

Final Fantasy Unlimited (TV)

  1. Episode 1 – Wonderland: Journal into the Darkness: This is where I’d make an Earthworm Jim gag, if I were remotely familiar with the franchise.
  2. Episode 2 – Magun: Man of the Black Wind: Who do you call when you want some pepperoni?
  3. Episode 3 – Fruit: The Town of Sweet Scent: Oh no, the banana smugglers from FFLII have corrupted Wonderland!
  4. Episode 4 – Makenshi: The White Etude: Okay so Cid, Edgar and Prompto start looking over blueprints…
  5. Episode 5 – Cid: The Adventure of the Underground Waterway: Someone remake FFIII so I can turn into this kind of Viking!
  6. Episode 6 – Kigen Arts: The Saviour of Souls: 🎵 I set fire… to the lake…🎵
  7. Episode 7 – Subway: Enemy of the Dimensional Tunnel: The Earl would like to meet the demon who attacked the train and shake its hand!
  8. Episode 8 – Soil: The Heart of the Magun: I changed my mind, this is the worst shower ever.
  9. Episode 9 – Oscha: The Endless Project: Quick, someone make a joke about this being Square Enix HQ!
  10. Episode 10 – Mansion: The Memory of Sagiso: Would the parent of this phosphorescent child please return him to his proper TV show?
  11. Episode 11 – Ciel: The Departure of Chocobo: Bravely ran away-away!
  12. Episode 12 – Fungus: Eternal Life: If it’s not new, it doesn’t work!
  13. Episode 13 – Meteor: Abominable Memory: If nothing else, I can at least learn Meteor Master’s secret identity! …I have no idea who this is.
  14. Episode 14 – Omega: Reunion and Departure: But seriously, where are the Comodeen getting these resources?
  15. Episode 15 – Jane: The Moving Ocean Puzzle: Next give us a character-building ep for that 3D baby squid.
  16. Episode 16 – Kigen Summon: Behind the Smile: But enough about Lisa’s smile. Kaze! What’s behind the scowl?
  17. Episode 17 – Frog: The Smallest Great Adventure: Another definition of “otome” is “virgin,” so Cid might be about to learn more about his coworkers than he may be comfortable learning.
  18. Episode 18 – Madoushi: The Battle of Kiri and Kumo: “Hey boss, didn’t we used to have a main character?” “…Shit, somebody go wake Kaze!”
  19. Episode 19 – Ai: Meeting with Clear: “Actually sir, I was talking about the twins.” “…Shit, somebody go wake Ai!”
  20. Episode 20 – Yu: The Secret of Gaudium: “Don’t want any lollypop? How about a Mars bar or something? Look, I think I have like half a Twizzler in my pocket.”
  21. Episode 21 – Cactus: The Wandering Ocean: It’s the mascot hour, here on Episode 21 and 22!
  22. Episode 22 – Moogle: Nostalgic Memories: Ah yes, the go-to Moogle name: Lali-ho! Off we go, Lali!
  23. Episode 23 – Teros: Long Lost Memories: This is the worst Jell-o I’ve ever had!
  24. Episode 24 – Chaos: The Earl Unveiled: And this is the worst Jell-o flambé!
  25. Episode 25 – Kaze: The Glory of Life: Ah yes, the man who promises to let everyone die if he can kill his target. The glory of life!
  26. Unlimited After 1, Part 1; and Unlimited Before: I like to imagine Soljashy’s business cards have “Evil Minion” on them, each crossed out manually in pen.
  27. Unlimited After 1, Part 2: Ah yes, the traditional Final Fantasy cameo for the Russian Mafia. Such a memorable section from FFVI!
  28. Unlimited After Spiral, Part 1: Happy graduation-kidnapping!
  29. Unlimited After Spiral, Part 2: Look on the bright side, Touya, the last Prison Cage I fought would have eaten you.
  30. Unlimited After 2: I summon Leviathan against the darkness!
  1. Marathon Look-Back #2, Part 1: Analysis.
  2. Marathon Look-Back #2, Part 2: Top 5s and Bottom 5s.

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