Month: June 2017

FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Minesweeper

doc-2017-06-23-13h16m02s092Lost Episode

One of the most curious parts of DoC’s story occurs right at this point in the narrative. Just a few days after DoC’s North American launch, Square Enix released a bonus chapter of the game’s story to cell phones, specifically on Amp’d Mobile and Verizon in the west, developed by a company called Ideaworks3D. Called “Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode –Final Fantasy VII–,” the game is basically lost today (like many pre-smartphone cell phone games) and the most complete surviving video is of the Japanese version with English subtitles, and even it has notable missing content. (more…)

Kingdom Hearts BBS – Ohana Means You’d Make the Weirdest Brothers

Just a heads up: I’ve fallen dramatically behind on writeups for both Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy, and on top of that Kyle and I have yet to clear the next FF game, Final Fantasy Tactics, in this first place.  For this and other reasons, the blog will be going on indefinite hiatus after the completion of Birth by Sleep and Dirge of Cerberus, which are the last writeups I have that are complete.

To try to sync up the end dates of BBS and DoC, Dirge of Cerberus will be uploaded at an accelerated pace, with updates on both Thursdays and Sundays.  With everything going as scheduled, this means the last KH post will be July 11th, and the last FF post will be July 13th.

Sorry for the bad news, but for now: on with today’s post!  Two worlds today!


bbs-2017-06-11-22h07m29s809.png

Aqua arrives at Deep Space and, showing a continued off-screen disregard for locks, is already on-board the ship the moment her visit begins, with no fussy Glider segment leading it off! An alarm begins to sound, and Aqua quickly discovers why: Unversed are on board the ship.

Fight, fight, fight, and after the battle, Aqua spots a strange item lying on the floor. The player probably won’t recognize what they’re seeing at first, so thankfully Aqua clarifies immediately: it appears to be a Wayfinder made of scrap metal and parts. Just as she’s beginning to question it, who should appear but Experiment 626, who jumps in and takes it from her. Or rather, takes it back, as it appears to be of his own creation! (more…)

FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Reeve’s Résumé

doc-2017-06-12-00h43m41s672Chapter 2: Showdown in the Wastes

This is the second Dirge of Cerberus post today!  Make sure to read the first post before this one!

Taking a Shadowfox to Edge, Reeve attempts to fill Vincent in on the attackers, whom he identifies as “Deepground soldiers.” Reeve says that over the course of President Shinra’s reign, the future Mr. Human Pancake gathered the innumerable Deepground soldiers you encounter during the game without anyone noticing and tucked them into his basement like action figures, right next to trillions of dollars’ worth of vehicles and robots, kept under the Shinra HQ and mutated them into super-soldiers. This is a highly believable and respectable narrative.

Reeve explains that the Tsviets are Deepground’s elites, and that that’s basically all Reeve knows, and even that from rifling through Scarlet’s files. Considering Deepground wasn’t necessarily relevant to the rank-and-file until about an hour ago, he must have handed out a memo pretty damned fast if the sergeant recognized Rosso just seconds ago, in another part of the world! Reeve figures Heidegger, Scarlet and Hojo might have known more about Deepground, but they’re all dead (or so I assume Heidegger and Scarlet are dead, since Reeve makes no attempt to contact them), and he figures that Rufus doesn’t know anything at all, because of the chaos of his rise to power (though come to think of it, Reeve doesn’t make any on-screen attempt to talk to him, either…). (more…)

FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – A Palette of Mud

Just a heads up: I’ve fallen dramatically behind on writeups for both Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts, and on top of that Kyle and I have yet to clear the next FF game, Final Fantasy Tactics, in this first place.  For this and other reasons, the blog will be going on indefinite hiatus after the completion of Dirge of Cerberus and Birth by Sleep, which are the last writeups I have that are complete.

To try to sync up the end dates of BBS and DoC, Dirge of Cerberus will be uploaded at an accelerated pace: there will be two posts today, and Final Fantasy will be updating both Thursdays and Sundays.  With everything going as scheduled, this means the last KH post will be July 11th, and the last FF post will be July 13th.  Since I can’t guarantee when (or if) posts will return, you may want to consider subscribing via email or

Sorry for the bad news, but for now: on to Dirge of Cerberus!


doc-2017-06-12-00h28m24s645.png

Or as Kyle put it at the start of our second session: “Do you want to play Dirge of Cerberus today or do you want to play something fun?”

Dirge of Cerberus. Dirge of Ceberus has the lowest Metacritic score of all Marathon games to date (besides my filler coverage of All the Bravest), beating out – to my confusion and amazement – actual digitized canker sore Mega Man X7 by a single percentage point. This also makes it the lowest Metacritic score of all other single player Final Fantasy games to date so, uh, geeze, what do I even say? (more…)

Kingdom Hearts BBS – Sack of Ice Cubes

bbs-2017-06-11-21h50m01s300.png

Aqua has only just arrived at the coliseum when she’s attacked by a troupe of Unversed, and she’s about to respond only for Phil to bound on the scene and start flexing out in a bunch of goofy martial arts poses. He claims that he’s going to fight the Unversed, calling Aqua “sweetcheeks,” and she’s so put off by this that she flinches… well, either that or she’s just as repulsed by satyrs as women in many a Greek myth or adaptation, either/or. Of course, Phil can’t back up his bluff and calls Hercules instead, who appears from the coliseum entrance to join you for the opening fight of the world. (more…)

Kingdom Hearts BBS – Voice Actor’s Guild Violation

bbs-2017-06-11-21h39m24s988.png

So did anyone else ever notice that no one checks your lifetime pass to Disney Town, orrrr…?

Aqua arrives in Disney Town and immediately runs into another of those unidentifiable heroes they apparently have running around like mice. Let’s see… first it was Captain Justice, then it was Captain Dark, and this is… oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, may I present actual voice actor Jim Cummings, walking onto the scene in lifelike 3D! (more…)

FFVII Advent Children – Mmm, Whatcha Saaaaay…

ac-2017-04-22-21h03m05s506Back in the construction site, Kadaj attempts to kill Rufus with his Materia, but apparently hasn’t learned that Rufus is explosion proof. Rufus deliberately drops out the side of the building and starts shooting Kadaj for good measure. Kadaj doesn’t care and drops past Rufus, trying to seize his “mother.” We switch camera angles and discover that Yazoo, Loz and the Turks are improbably having their fight just below the building. We then return to the fall to reveal that Rufus takes one more shot at Kadaj, but appears to miss and instead hits the case (you could also argue that this was deliberate, it’s hard to say). Naturally, this commotion attracts the attention of the Turks and the goons. Kadaj manages to secure the damaged box and hits the ground safely, while to everyone’s surprise, two nets shoot out to catch Rufus: it seems that Elena and Tseng are alive after all, and have just been waiting for their moment! Don’t get too excited, though: they have nothing else to do in the film, and sadly don’t even appear in Dirge of Cerberus, essentially vanishing after this quick, twist cameo – though their roles were mildly extended in the Advent Children Complete cut. (more…)

Kingdom Hearts BBS – Gymnastic Attack

bbs-2017-06-11-21h28m56s827We’ve seen the Trinity Armour scene and the reunion between the three playable characters twice now, so I’m just going to say that Aqua has gone from “Terra would never do that!” to “I’ve seen the things you’ve done” in just one world and leave it at that. Your prize for clearing the Trinity Armour is the Bladecharge Level 2 Command Style, my one true love.

This brings us back to The Worst Conversation In the Game, and you’ll have to excuse me if I’m missing anything here, because it’s simultaneously hard to squeeze every drop of water from a sponge but easy to get overwhelmed if you try to count the droplets. If I’ve missed anything worth critiquing over these three passes, and I’m sure that I have, feel free to add more in the comments. (more…)

Kingdom Hearts BBS – The Threatless Threat

bbs-2017-06-09-12h36m33s900.png

So Terra got to Radiant Garden because he was led there by Master Xehanort, and Ven got to Radiant Garden because the Star Shard led him there. How does Aqua “just happen” to end up at Radiant Garden at the same time as her brothers? Honestly, kind of at random! She just happens across Terra on his way from the Badlands to Radiant Garden (or whatever world Terra players had just visited) and she follows! Sometimes the easiest answers work the best, I suppose!

Despite being within line-of-sight of Terra, Aqua arrives on-world in town square with no sign of the man. And please remember that Terra arrived on world and immediately entered a fight with multiple waves of Unversed, right here in town square, so I can only conclude that Aqua went on another of her damnable chalupa breaks between here and there! (more…)

FFVII Advent Children – Wile E Coyote’s Patented Elevation Technique

ac-2017-04-22-20h44m42s008In the next scene, Cloud returns to the Sector 5 church and finds Tifa unconscious. Tifa recovers briefly, long enough to tell Cloud about Marlene. This seems to trigger a response from Cloud’s stigma, which has it weeping black liquid for the first and only time in the film. The liquid falls on Aerith’s flowers below, and suddenly both Cloud and Tifa fall abruptly asleep in the flowers in a dream-like sequence, the wolf from earlier looking over them.

Cloud wakes up later in a bedroom, with Tifa on a nearby bed. Apparently this is Tifa and Cloud’s home above 7th Heaven, and they were brought there by the Reno and Rude, who report that both Denzel and Marlene have vanished. Cloud does not reply. (more…)