Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – Hot White Beam


Content Warning continues for preteen sexualization, nudity and gore.

Back on the moon, we get our first good look at Ra Devil, now a muscled ruin of a being tied up in cybernetic gear. He announces that the gargantuan, apartment-building sized brain at his base is somehow Cid’s brain, which is just… remarkable. Ra Devil rambles about Deathgyunos, a speech that makes no more sense in the sub than the dub, and reveals that he is keeping all three Crystals in light bulb-shaped pods nearby, as well as Linaly. The robots activate the machine, and begin to draw energy from throughout the universe to Ra Devil and his cyborg suit.

This dramatic and visually striking moment is then undercut by Rouge’s crew, who are now in space and are just baffled by the fact that the planet is round. Not that that isn’t funny, mind (“Don’t be silly, if we lived on the bottom we would have fallen off, wouldn’t we?”), I just don’t care for the whiplash. It seems the good guys have tethered the two airships to the dragon, which is taking them to the moon.

lotc-2016-02-05-14h07m57s714Meanwhile, Ra Devil is starting to expand, dropping irregular, blob-like flesh tendrils around his machine, and we get a look at a group of naked ogres that showed up suddenly at the start of the episode. I’m only mentioning them because they come back later, don’t ask me why there are naked ogres here.

Unfortunately for the heroes, their dragon is hit by lightning and transforms back into a baby, leaving them to crash. They land amid a sort of post-apocalyptic ruin, with broken skyscrapers and rock in every direction. The Iron Wing holds together all right, but Rouge’s ship is in wrecked, and she leaves most of her crew behind with the Flying Dragon, except for “Mika” and “Akari,” who are presumably the cat gimps, not that we can tell any of her thugs apart.

Meanwhile yet again, the robots declare the process complete, as Ra Devil becomes Deathgyunos: a giant torso with no hips or legs. Exactly how I pictured a god!

The heroes aren’t able to locate Deathgyunos’ stronghold, so Prettz turns to Linaly’s earring in hopes of duplicating her spirit communication from earlier. I doubt this would have worked – there probably aren’t any spirits left on this moon – but at least he’s trying and is showing a little character development. The party is saved by Cid’s brain, of all things, which calls out to Mid to rescue him, inadvertently pointing them in the right direction. Against a sudden rock soundtrack, the Iron Wing takes off to engage. The Iron Wing launches several “Interceptor” craft that probably would have been a lot of help during the air battle at Tycoon, when the lives of civilians were on the line, but I’m not going to question Valkus’ command at this point. I’m too busy questioning the rest of this OVA.

lotc-2016-02-05-14h10m05s723Rouge is mildly injured in the attack, at which point… the most popular YouTube version of this OVA suddenly loses five minutes. Thankfully, the full version can be found in other places online. During this “lost” sequence, Valkus is enraged by Rouge’s injury, and pulls out two chain guns and begins indiscriminately firing in all directions! It’s the best part of the film!

Just then (still in the “lost” five minutes, by the way, I’ll say when we get back), the party comes within sight of Deathgyunos, and get shredded by defensive fire. Valkus orders ramming speed, severely damaging the “god.” Somehow, the party survives (don’t question it, you’ll get no answers). There, they split up: Prettz to find Linaly, Valkus to find the Crystals, and Rouge and her bodyguards to guard the wreck of a ship. Prettz discovers a robot trying to make off with Linaly, and destroys it.


Linaly, urm, dances on Prettz’s face.

Unfortunately, Linaly was a part of Deathgyunos, however briefly, and is still acting under Ra Devil’s control. She knocks Prettz to the ground, and then starts kicking his face, but in such a way as though the OVA can’t seem to decide if it’s being dramatic or comedic. Prettz is saved by Mid, who first makes like he’s going to kiss Linaly (…uhhh…) only for him to blow ghost-smoke in her face. Both of these things – his attraction to Linaly and the smoke – were set up in episode 2 but they were just as jarring there as they are now, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t very eager to mention them.

Just then, one of the ogres arrives, only to be shot down by Valkus. Prettz returns Linaly’s earring, and we get a tacky 80s transition effect before reuniting the party. They’ve recovered the Crystals, but Deputy Commander Gush announces that the Iron Wing is a lost cause, leaving them stranded on the moon until Rouge’s crew can repair her ship. Just then, the popular YouTube version comes back to life, and we see Mid reunited with Cid’s tank-sized brain.

lotc-2016-02-05-14h13m23s887Unfortunately, Deathgyunos/Ra Devil is still alive, claiming he can’t die. Mid then flies off, and does… something… to Deathgyunos, allowing the others to escape but seemingly sacrificing himself. Unfortunately, the naked ogres are still alive, and Valkus and Prettz are forced to stay behind to fight them while the others flee to Rouge’s ship. Rouge and Linaly stay behind with their friends after all, heroic unity and all that, but they’re both non-combatants at this point and not much immediate use. Just then, and yet again for no obvious reason, the Crystal of Wind suddenly comes out of Linaly and jumps into Prettz. He has no more idea what’s going on than we do.

Deathygyunos finds the party, and manages to get ahold of Prettz, electrocuting him. The party gets up on a broken highway to confront the cyborg god, and manages to get Prettz back on his feet, but Rouge is injured when they try to escape (she’s also “comically” useless in the fight, raising the question of when she really significantly added to the plot in any way). Valkus and Prettz decide that a counterattack might be better than not, but are both caught in a blast, and Valkus is both pinned and knocked silly. To her surprise as much as anyone’s, Rouge discovers she’s upset by Valkus’ injury, but a little too late for love, since the giant robot is about to kill them all.


Deathgyunos fires on Valkus and Prettz.

Let’s pause for a moment before we reach the climax, and take inventory of our lead characters. First off, we have Rouge, a character with no character arc; next: Valkus, another character with no character arc; Linaly, a character with a weak character arc that really has nothing to do with anything; and Prettz, who has a weak character arc and doesn’t behave consistently from scene to scene. Between them, they have the combat potential of “airship command only” (Rouge), “out of ammo” (Valkus), “nothing” (Linaly), and “woefully inadequate” (Prettz). If they manage to save the day without a deus ex machina, it would be the greatest moment in television history and it still wouldn’t be satisfying.

Here we go all the same: Linaly stands up defiantly in front of Deathgyunos and calls on the spirits, causing the edge of the highway to break off in a burst of magic. Just then, a beam of power shoots out from Prettz and the Wind Crystal into Linaly, which she funnels into the boss. That’s right: the Wind Crystal could have done this on its own, but they decided it wouldn’t be worthwhile unless the twelve year old boy fired his hot white beam into the twelve year old girl, who subsequently fired her hot white beam into the rotting cyborg corpse. I’m pretty sure that’s how that innuendo is supposed to go.

lotc-2016-02-05-14h14m25s634But wait, god forbid a woman do anything, even if she’s the lead character. Deathgyunos survives, so Prettz runs out and kills him with his sword. That’s what we’re here to see, right? Final Fantasy: Sexualization of Children® and Boys Killin’ Things with Swords™.

The party turns to leave after a dramatic pause (which is the most genuine emotion I’ve seen in this whole OVA), until they discover that Mid is still “alive” (“Of course, I’m a ghost!”). We see that image I showed you during the FFV journal where Mid is reunited with the ghosts of the FFV cast, able to rest at last.

And… that’s essentially it. Linaly summons a KFC bucket worth of naked chocobos… which she probably should have done while they were running away from a giant robot god… the dragon brings them home, the Crystals are returned, and Linaly and Prettz report to grandpa. Is this airship even built to support the weight of this many people? In any state of repair? Oh, nevermind. In the final scene, we learn that Valkus has joined Rouge’s crew of cat gimps, where I’m sure he’ll be very happy. The FFV overworld theme plays briefly, and we’re finally freed from our horrible curse.


At least someone came out of LotC happy. I sure didn’t.

Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals is awful. It’s just absolutely awful. In fact, I feel like I’ve given the wrong impression so let me try recapping the OVA from the top. Ahem: a robot guy from nowhere grave-robs a supporting FFV character, murders another, and disappears for centuries. When he returns, a descendant of Bartz gets a Crystal shoved up her ass, fires a laser at the robot guy, and they all lived happily ever after. If I accidentally gave you the impression that anything else actually happened in the course of this OVA, I’m sorry, because there really wasn’t. The voice acting is rushed, the second episode is largely irrelevant, two of the heroes do nothing at all, and most importantly, this OVA was about a girl with a Crystal shoved up her ass. There are rare hiccups of quality, and Linaly isn’t awful once you divorce her from… well you know. But that’s about it. In fact, someone must have agreed with me, because Linaly is the only element of this OVA that was ever referenced outside of the product, with a Moogle named after her in Dissidia. Other than that, this is something best left forgotten.

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