Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – Underground Dragon Parking Garage


Content Warning continues for preteen sexualization, nudity and gore.

Well, we can’t get any lower than last episode, so I say we—


We… can’t get any lower than last episode, r-right? Please tell me we can’t get any lower than last episode.

lotc-2016-02-03-15h32m29s474The episode begins with the Iron Wing, pirate ship in tow. Rouge is being held captive on board, but after a short comedy bit, word comes in from Queen Lenna that she’s to be freed, presumably in exchange for future services. The Iron Wing takes the party to Tycoon, where Linaly notices a tower that wasn’t there in FFV. Deputy Commander Gush explains that this is the “Dragon Tower,” a monument to Tycoon’s guardian deity that must have moved in in the past 200 years.

The party is introduced to Queen Lenna, who fills them in on the global situation, and declares that they’ve all been chosen to fight back: that is to say, Linaly, Prettz, Valkus and Rouge. Rouge doesn’t take the news well. In complaining, she drops the name Deathgyunos, and Lenna reacts with surprise, addressing Deathgyunos not as a group, but as a singular god: “God of Darkness and lord of Oblivion.” This semantic confusion will not be cleared up at any point. Despite Ra Devil’s robotic adjutant addressing their forces as “Deathgyunos” in the past, the OVA will mostly use the term to refer to the God in the future. It may be that the terms are being used properly in both instances, but I’ll have to get a little further to explain what I’m getting at with that.


Have this image of a sad but satisfying deathbed goodbye surrounded by loved ones (the FFV cast) instead of a horrible exhumation and murder.

The others realize Mid probably knows what happened, and he goes into an explanation. He tells the others that Cid was so exhausted from the events of FFV that after the story was over, he fell sick, and died soon after. But there was an additional problem. Mid alludes to the plot of FFV, and how Cid had originally tapped the four Crystals for energy, weakening the barrier around Exdeath (or at least that was the written intent, but let’s not go into that again). Before Cid died, he destroyed all of his notes and documents, planning to take the means of tapping the Crystals for energy to his grave. But not long after his death, Ra Devil arrived, and exhumed the body in front of Mid. He declared that Cid’s knowledge wouldn’t be lost in death, and removed Cid’s brain from the body! He then murdered Mid on the spot, a suspicious death of a major public figure that you think just might have made it into the history books?

Back in the present, Mid admits that he sees Ra Devil’s theft as losing his grandfather outright, and Prettz suggests the reason Mid can’t pass on is because he needs to undo the damage. Finally, Mid tells the heroes that Ra Devil has been preparing on the Black Moon, but a little too late, as his forces are already en route.

Unaware of the incoming attack, the heroes set about discussing how to achieve space travel, as you do. Queen Lenna suggests they go to the Tower of the Dragon, saying there’s a real dragon living underneath the tower and it might be able to bring them through space. She and Blue Mage debate their options, but it seems that Linaly’s grandfather has been listening in telepathically, and he asks her to give it a shot. She, Mid and Prettz volunteer to go, and even Rouge is on board after Lenna flashes a big pile of treasure as a reward, but they’re interrupted by the incoming attack from the moon. Valkus and Rouge sent into the sky to defend the city (Rouge hilariously decked out in the gold and jewels she was given to work for Queen Lenna), while the others headed into the basement of the Tower. Signs look good: even Linaly’s ass seems to approve of their plan. Unfortunately, Ra Devil is able to track the Crystal underground, and Queen Lenna is exhausted by the magic required to open the dungeon.

lotc-2016-02-03-15h36m26s009The dungeon itself exists in another of those pocket dimensions like the Wind Shrine, and consists of a sort of Dragonball Z-esque Snake Way-looking place.

Unfortunately, it seems the party is not alone. Prettz overhears someone coming down after them, and insists he be allowed to stand guard. Linaly and Mid go in without him, Summoning the creepy chicken wing Chocobo to go with them. Just then, Gynoid jet bikes head in. They get past Prettz and capture Linaly (in fact, it seems like this one jet bike has no other weapons but a rope harness?) and Prettz hollywoods his way from jet bike to jet bike, and sinks their jet bike into the cloudy abyss.

The kids’ landing is graceful enough that they survive, and discover an underwater lake with a shrine in the middle (goodness knows how they were supposed to get there). Linaly’s spirit guides confirms that the dragon is there, and Prettz drops his clothes (ho boy) and swims off before Linaly can point out that the ghost could probably go check things out before he goes into the freezing water. If you’ve seen episode 1, you already know how this goes: Prettz has gone off to do something something rash, so that means it’s time for Linaly tocalmly solve a puzzle. Her ass informs her that there’s a special tile nearby, and she stands on it, causing her to… fart off a beam of light to the shrine in the middle of the lake. This laser fart (look, I’m just writing what I’m seeing!) causes a human statue to rise out of the water, revealing the real shrine. Unfortunately, it seems the broken jet bike robot is intact enough to watch what’s going on…

lotc-2016-02-03-15h37m47s824Inside the shrine, the trio finds a disappointment: the only dragon here is a baby the size of a chicken. Linaly is delighted, but Prettz points out how screwed they are, since this baby can’t carry them into space. Unfortunately, they’re distracted when the parts of the jet bike assemble behind them into a humanoid shape, and Ra Devil contacts them directly through his robot. Mid is understandably terrified by Ra Devil (remember, the monster cut up his grandfather and then murdered Mid personally), and so Mid uses his ghostly powers to fade away.

Ra Devil then announces his grand plan is to become the god Deathgyunos. We’ve got enough hints here, so I’ll just rush the revelations along: Ra Devil is an alien being using the robots as an extension of his own will. Once he has the crystals, he can use this cyborg existence to ascend to a sort of transhuman (transalien?) consciousness that would be like unto a god. In this way, the robots, being an extension of Ra Devil, are both Deathgyunos-plural and components of Deathgyunos, the singular, future deity. The phraseology is just very awkward.

lotc-2016-02-03-15h38m29s387Prettz destroys Ra Devil’s avatar with one of his oyster bombs, but its robotic core survives and continues to track them as they escape with the dragon. Once they’re not looking, it reassembles itself out of rock, capturing Linaly inside its frame, which is… incredibly clever! I’m impressed by the OVA for the first and only time. She loses her earring and the dragon in the process and Ra Devil flies off with his prize, calling off his forces on the surface. Only Queen Lenna realizes what must have gone wrong.

Mid reappears, and the dragon throws a huge fit, transforming suddenly into an adult dragon. Sure, whatever. Just be completely arbitrary, what do I care? The dragon bursts out of the ground (destroying the tower in the process, nice and grateful) and emerges from the ground. It’s not the grandest finale I’ve ever seen, but it’s where our episode ends.

Prev: Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – The Boob Alarm
Next: Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – Hot White Beam

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