Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – The Boob Alarm

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Content Warning continues for preteen sexualization, nudity and gore.

After the initial few minutes, this chapter is almost entirely filler, but don’t worry. That just means we’re going to have the opportunity to descend to even greater lows than we have already seen so far. Bear in mind when I say that that, in our last chapter, a twelve-year-old girl’s ass started to glow like a firefly. This is Final Fantasy canon.

We pick up where we left off, with Prettz and Linaly leaving the canyon, only to run into the Iron Wing and Valkus, who has stationed his men at every window and on every wing. Valkus orders them to hand over the Crystal, but they’re not willing to admit exactly… where the Crystal is at the moment… so they argue technicalities with him for a while Rouge listens in with a listening device, and decides to steal the Crystal herself, just as unaware that that’s impossible to retrieve.

lotc-2016-01-28-17h04m26s755Prettz bails for it, and because Valkus’ troops are too dumb to live, no one opens fire but Valkus himself, even when Prettz charges their general with a sword! They only react when Rouge tear gases the area, making it easy for her to grab Prettz, Linaly, their bike, and even Valkus. As Rouge gloats, we learn that she and Valkus have something of a cop-and-criminal working relationship, and Rouge orders them brought back to Rouge Island of the Nazalea Islands, a location that wasn’t named in the original game, although judging by a map that appears later in the OVA, it’s part of the southern archipelago on the world map. Of course, the map in the OVA is clearly a map of the original, unmerged world from FFV, so I’m only going to take it with a grain of salt.

Rouge’s HQ is one of many spires sticking out of the ocean rather than “islands,” per se, and it’s covered with a number of chutes used for transporation that weave in and out of it like a Micro Machines race track. Rouge tries to interrogate the trio to figure out where the Wind Crystal went. This eventually devolves from whipping to robotic tickle torture, as Prettz hangs around in a speedo. Well thank goodness for equal opportunity twelve year old sexualisation. While this is going on… Valkus falls in love with Rouge. Just like that. Hopefully not in response to anything else going on in this scene at the moment, ahem.

Do you feel that? That’s the dubious quality of the first episode slipping through our fingers.

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NOTHING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IS OKAY.

Rouge almost gets some results from Prettz by strangling Linaly with her whip (a good way to break someone’s neck, might I add), but Prettz kicks Rouge in the back (also not necessarily a good way to keep Linaly safe), and Rouge just… gives up.

Meanwhile, the Iron Wing is searching for Crystal of Wind with or without their commander, now operating under the command of Valkus’ right-hand man, Gush (voiced by Grandpa’s voice actor John Hostetter). As they search, a bio-mechanical vehicle gets past them, probably belonging to the Gynoids.

Back on Rouge Island, Linaly, Prettz and Valkus have been put away in a cell when suddenly the Crystal comes out of Linaly for no reason. Stuff happens for no reason a lot in this OVA. The Crystal strikes the ground with a beam of light, and the young boy from the vision at the end of Episode 1 appears as a diminutive ghost. As a result of the Crystal coming out into the open, the Iron Wing is able to track it with their magical radar, setting the stage for this episode’s climax.

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Mead-erm, Mid.

It seems our ghost has introduced himself off-screen (really?). His name is “Mead,” or rather, “the Mead,” as though that’s supposed to mean something to me, even though I can’t think of a single person named “Mead” in—what? Hold on, folks. I’m being informed that this is actually supposed to be “Mid,” Cid’s grandson from FFV. It’s clear the OVA’s localizers seemed to miss the fact that Mid and Cid’s names are supposed to rhyme (indeed, Urban Vision localized “Cid” as “Shido,” his Japanese name). But what’s truly baffling about this is that the OVA expects you to know who “Mead” is despite not demanding any knowledge of FFV prior to this point. Oh, it tries to explain, but there are so many gaps it’s hard to understand. The OVA practically treats Mid like a member of the FFV party, and I’m afraid to say he’s (more or less) the only character from FFV that we’re going to see here, despite probably being the least important member of the FFV central cast. Also, why is he still a small child? That’s answered in the next episode, but it drove me up the wall for the rest of this one!

Prettz and Mid butt heads, Prettz pointing out that “You’re the one who was hiding out in Linaly’s rear end, you little… lech!” Thank you for saying it for me. Having been reminded of his time in a prepubescent girl’s rear end, Mid is reminded to once again penetrate her with his phallic Crystal so that it can’t be detected (not knowing it’s too late), which we get to see in a 3x repeat. He penetrates Prettz personally, while he’s at it, while I sit here glaring at the TV. Unfortunately, Ra Devil’s forces have already tracked the Crystal to Rouge’s forces. Of course, they were already heading there as shown in the previous scene, so this plot point doesn’t really make sense.

lotc-2016-01-28-17h06m53s089Only after this does Mid actually ask Linaly if she’ll please hold on to his Buttplug of the Wind. He announces that “forces of darkness” are looking for it, saying: “Some call them Deathgyunos.” Wow, not everyone calls them that? But it just rolls off the tongue! The word is pronounced almost like how it looks, even though that’s the stupidest thing I said since the last paragraph. “death-gey-un-Os.”

Mid says it’s hard to say why the Deathgyunos are looking for the Crystals (Prettz: “Try it! Make something up!”), but says that there’s hope considering that Linaly – and Prettz, apparently – are descendants of the FFV cast. It’s not clear who Prettz descended from, though given Mid’s phrasing, I suspect there may have been some intermarriages between the party or the party’s innumerable descendants somewhere down the line, so it’s not possible to point out just one ancestor. Ship as you please. He then says that the Crystal has chosen Linaly, Prettz, and also Valkus to protect it.

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Poop jokes!

Just then (or rather, after Mid tricks Prettz into punching himself in the gut), Rouge deploys the world’s most precise James Bond traps to divide the party and grab Linaly, saying she’s heard everything and threatening to cut the Crystal out of Linaly. After Rouge drags Linaly away, Prettz exploits Valkus’ crush on Rouge to get him to bend the bars. Together, they escape and discover that luckily, Rouge hasn’t killed Linaly yet, and is instead feeding her prune juice in hopes of, urm, flushing the Crystal out. These are the plot points. Prettz steals a sword and rescues Linaly, though they’re divided from Valkus since the big guy couldn’t fit through the bars on his own.

And now, I present to you: …the boob alarm.

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I’ve made the world a demonstrably lesser place by GIFing this.

Just look at it. Look and marvel. Look and know that no matter how far you fall in life, you shall never reach this particular low. Let’s join hands, and rejoice in the knowledge that this image will stand as a beacon of hope for all humanity. This visual is equivalent in canon to anything in Advent Children.

Mid leads the duo into the gunpowder stores, where Rouge has been keeping Prettz’s bike. Unfortunately, he manages to drive it off a cliff side, and they’re only saved by cartoon physics and one of the many Micro Machine chutes that line the caverns. Following Mid’s advice, they drive to Rouge’s airship, but since the ship is the only way off the island, most of Rouge’s forces are already waiting for them. But before a nice fight can get started, Valkus arrives, clearly worried that Prettz might hurt or kill Rouge. He stops the fight (“Violence never solved anything! Trust me son, I’m a military man!”) long enough for everyone to notice that the Gynoids have arrived. In flying chainsaw jetbikes!

lotc-2016-01-28-17h22m29s334Addressing the Gynoids as “Dumpster heads” (which became Kyle and my favourite insult for the day) Prettz announced that he had the Crystal and led them off to the gunpowder stores. blowing the entire island to hell and seemingly sacrificing himself (get it? The Fire Episode?). The other escaped on Rouge’s airship, only to run into the Iron Wing, which arrested the pirates. Luckily for the heroes, Prettz had survived in a barrel (which if you think about it, must have been lined with gunpowder, but whatever you say), and Linaly jumped ten storeys into the water to find him, somehow not dying in the process. She was then collected by that sea serpent that appeared for five seconds of episode one, at the other end of the planet (and only appears in three seconds of this episode), which has honestly nothing to do with anything. I have so many questions and I’m not sure I care to hear the answers.

Meanwhile on the moon, Ra Devil received word about the disaster, and we learn that his giant cyborg mech suit is attached to an equally giant brain in a sphere kept at its base. Ra Devil deduced that Linaly must have the Crystal, and gave orders for her to be captured.

lotc-2016-01-28-17h23m00s627You might remember me saying this episode was filler at the outset, and I mostly stand by it. If Linaly and Prettz had been captured by Valkus at the outset, they would have been in the exact situation they are now. Mid could have talked to them in Valkus’ brig, and the only missing piece of the puzzle would be Rouge, who despite her nominal “main character” status doesn’t contribute much to the plot anyways, so she could have been brought in by any other means, or just erased outright! Delightful.

Prev: Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – You are not prepared
Next: Final Fantasy V: Legend of the Crystals – Underground Dragon Parking Garage

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